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Rants >> Rant 78

:: Today's soundtrack: Bonnie Tyler "Holding On For a Hero" ::


I've just started playing that X-men Legends game for the PS2. It's pretty fun, as it let's you play with a team of X-men all at once. This game has gotten me to thinking about super powers. Here, you have your little group of four mutants, but you can pick which four you want out of more. So, before you play, you have to consider which powers would come in the most handy. This started me thinking about that age old question: If I were to have super powers, what would they be?

Right off the bat, when confronted with this question, most people automatically think about the coolest characters with super powers, Wolverine and Superman. The ability to heal would probably be pretty cool. Supposedly, his ability is so sensitive that it is even slowing the aging process. THAT is pretty awesome, right there. Superman, though, well he's pretty near all-powerful. Sure this seems appealing at first, but think about the little things. He's got super strength. Like, SUPER super strength. I'd think that would be difficult to live with. You'd have to really restrain yourself doing simple things like, hugging a loved one, because if you're not careful you COULD pop them like a grape. And who would need super-healing if you were invulnerable to begin with? People could hit you with things, stab you, shoot you, and you'd just keep on walking, hardly noticing. How useful is that in day to day life, though? I mean, really, if you found out you were invulnerable, would you honestly put on a cape and fight crime? I don't think so. So how good is invulnerability to your average investment banker? Not very. It seems there is more to take in consideration than just the average coolness of your favorite comic book character, doesn't it?

Getting on with usefulness, you must take into thought the ability to fly. Yeah, it would be useful to just about anybody, that. I don't think it matters if you're a kid, an adult, a plumber, a fireman, or an old lady, it would definitely come in handy on a day to day basis. One step up from that though, I think would have to be telekinesis. The ability to move stuff around with your mind, would include you, so it has flight built right in. But come on, who hasn't been sitting down to a movie at home and realized they forgot their drink in the kitchen and had to drag their lazy ass up to go get it? I think this would be especially great for when I'm sick and don't want to get out of bed for water or anything. Just turn on the old mind powers there and I'm good. Staying in shape might become an issue for the average person with this, as they won't be so inclined to get even a little exercise.

Super speed might also be nice. Being able to move so fast that it is imperceptible to the human eye would definitely have its advantages. You could get an entire day's work done in minutes. Just don't over think this one, folks.  When you do, you start to think about things like wind resistance and friction and would you catch on fire from running so fast you break the sound barrier? And if you did, would your eardrums explode? And what about energy? How fast would this tire you out? Would your whole body be super speedy, too, like your metabolism and brain? If so would you need to eat almost constantly? Would you appear to have ADD because your brain is just moving so quickly? See; just don't think about it.

Of course, after years of thinking about this age old question, I have come to the conclusion that the all time best and most practical super power would be the ability to stop time around you. Got a lot of work to do? Stop time and catch up. Got to make it someplace before they close? Stop time and take a leisurely stroll. And, yes, I'm not going to sit here and pretend I haven't thought about the perverted end of things, like locker room peeping that you could get done. Got a secret crush on somebody? Become the ultimate stalker! Stop time and swipe their undies or roll around nude in their bed sheets. They'll never know!

Of course, the key after discovering a super ability, no matter what it is, is to try not to go mad with power. Then, even a timid housewife who suddenly gets telekinesis would be crushing people's windpipes for no reason. But we should be safe so long as it remains in out collective fantasies.

William (if I went crazy would you still call me Superman?)

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