Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun" ::
By George, I think I've got it! What am I on about, you say? Why my totally maniacal idea to set me on the path of super villainy! Bear with me now: miniature penguins that people can keep as pets.
Intriguing, yes? First of all, let me specify; I am naturally talking about the more "traditional" Antarctic penguins such as the Emperor and Adelie species, and not like the yellow-eyed or fairy penguins of New Zealand or farther north (there are penguins in the Galapagos islands, you know). The Antarctic penguins range in size somewhere between 18 to 44 inches in height which is much, much too large for home care and keep. No, what I propose is isolating the "toy" gene that they managed to breed in animals like dogs to get them smaller and work it into the penguin genome structure. That's right, genetically modified penguins to be in the more practical four to six inch tall range.
But where would one house their cute, tiny little little penguin who is accustomed to freezing temperatures and ice floes? Why, in a nifty refrigerated terrarium, of course! Think about this; if people are willing to own a 132 gallon (5 foot by 2 foot by 2 foot) heated tank for their tropical fish, why would it be so hard to envision people owning a tank of equal size only refrigerated to house adorable miniature king penguins? The best set up would include icy terrain and a bit of water for them to swim around in (also, you'd get to watch them slide around on their bellies on the ice and into the water), little plastic igloo is optional.
You would of course feed them fish. Any sort of fish meat you'd buy at the supermarket would do nicely. I'm also working on making a tiny fish species the size of Tetras that could endure the freezing waters of the penguin terrarium so that owners could stock their penguin's swimming waters and you can watch them catch their own food. These little fishes would of course be sold cheaply by the dozen or so and purchased live from pet shops for this purpose (much like buying live crickets to feed pet lizards or mice to feed snakes).
Now, I've got my crazy proposal, all I have to do now is present it before a loan application board where I'll naturally be faced with ridicule and laughter. Finally, I'll get to say "they all laughed at me.... they all must pay! All of humanity must pay!" and don my cape as I release my trained army of attack penguins. But aren't they adorable!
William (evil genius)
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