Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: The Glove "Like an Animal" ::
There are a great many creatures on the big, beautiful planet of ours. While many say that all critters, cute or otherwise, are important to the balance of nature, I contest that there are living things that are confounding and should not exist.
Duck-billed platypus. What the hell, am I right? It's like some mad scientist went crazy with some spare parts and wanted to see if the abomination would live. The platypus is a mammal, but has traits that conflict with commonly and universally accepted descriptions of mammals, such as the fact that it lays eggs, and is also poisonous! Name another poisonous mammal. Go ahead. YOU CAN'T. The platypus's mere existence threatens sanity and the universe just by being real.
Giraffes. They have long necks to eat leaves on trees, I get it. However, other mammals eat leaves and are not so freakish. If you saw a deer or horse with a long, long neck you'd probably want to perform tests on it, but giraffes are "normal." A creature with a neck like that simply shouldn't be.
Okapi. What the heck IS an okapi? I'm glad you asked. I found out about actually not very long ago when I was at a zoo. When I saw it, I could not believe what I was looking at. This... THING... is the closest genetic relative of the giraffe, but it looks more like a cross between a deer, a giraffe and a zebra. It has a doe-like face, but striped LEGS like zebra. Yes, only the legs are striped. What's up with THAT craziness?
Capybaras. Another weirdo. Capybaras are rodents, and if you were to see a photo of one, you would think it was a gopher or something. If you were to see one in person you'd say "WHY THE FUCK IS THAT GOPHER THE SIZE OF A DOG??" Capybaras are the LARGEST rodent in the world. Why does a RODENT need to be the size of a DOG? Who the hell knows! There is no reason for this!
Narwhals. Yes, a whale with a unicorn horn is a real thing. I couldn't believe it either. I remember my ignorant days. At first I believed the narwhal to something that crazy internet cooked up in order to fuck with people. Then I saw the articles on National Geographic and the photos. I couldn't believe it. A whale with a horn. WTF, world?
Anything with more than six legs. Let's be honest: what do they NEED all of those legs for?? Walking across your face in the middle of the night, that's what! Spiders, centipedes, millipedes, and all that are around simply to creep us all the fuck out. I do believe every single one of us on planet Earth would not mourn the disappearance of these horrifying invertebrates.
Snakes. They wantonly defy all logic, snakes do. They have NO LEGS. Nothing that lives on land should have NO LEGS! Some snakes also SWIM. Have you ever SEEN a snake swim in person? I have, and let me tell you, it is like watching the most unnatural and evil life form that ever lived. You do not want to see that. Snakes live only kills us all and to take the virginity of our children. That's what the snake in Holy Bible was about, right? Children virginity stealing? I'm pretty sure.
All that crazy shit at the bottom of the ocean. have you ever seen footage of the deep ocean floor? I'm talkin' about that REALLY deep, middle of the Pacific places. Yeah, there's some crazy shit going on down there. I could have spent my entire life up to now on psychotropic drugs and not have envisioned half of that weirdness. There's all of this... stuff down there. Starfish, sea sponges, that bizarre fish with no eyes and that one with that glowing thingy to attract prey... It's all so crazy, no one could have made it up.
See, we do not need cryptozoology when regular zoology is fucking weird enough as it is.
William the Bloody (zoologist)
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