Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: George Harrison "What is Life" ::
Earlier today I went to somebody's church memorial service. Yeah, I know, big downer and all. Sorry about that. Now, I'm not a big church goer. I think I can count how many times I've been to a service on one hand. Let's see... there was the time my parents were remodeling so us kids went to stay at grandma's for a long weekend and she took us to church. I was a wee lad then and it was my first. There was my father's father's funeral, then my mother's father's, and my mother's mother's a short time afterwards (My father's mother died when I was a baby). And lastly, there was my best friend's mother's third wedding (I've been to a lot of weddings, but this has been the only one in a church so far). So, I guess now that I think about it, I was at five until now. I've moved onto the second hand to take count as of last week.
Since I obviously only get to a church service once in a great while, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do half of the time. You Christians with your standing up, then kneeling down, then sitting, then kneeling and standing again and sitting once more. You do this to make sure we're still awake, don't you? (Oh, I'm kidding! ...but not really). Fortunately, this service I just went to didn't have any kneeling and only the occasional standing for a prayer. You Christians also have your secret coded responses to certain phrases like "and also with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" and stuff. How am I supposed to know what to say and when? I've picked up on saying "and also with you" after the priest guy says "may the Lord be with you" or similar because it is pretty obvious, but the others, I'm never so sure.
There was also a bit of singing going on. I think we did about four hymns or something, and I couldn't help but notice one of them "stole" Beethoven's "Ode de Joy." I was thinking that this was quite a lot of singing and was wondering if I would want that for my funeral. Then I thought, yeah, singing can be fun, just not, you know, hymnals. I think I'm onto something here. Hey, I started my own church and I'm kind of making this stuff up as I go along, okay? Think about having all of your friends and family over, maybe, probably, indulging in a cocktail or two, all getting together to sing "Carry on my Wayward Son"? Song books will be provided. Words only. Or maybe a round of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" if you wanted to get everyone cryin'. If there's a choir at my funeral, I want them to sing "This Corrosion" just because it would be awesome (Yeah, I can see it now, my attorney reading my Last Will and Testament: "...and it is the dying wish of William the Bloody that the London Symphony Chorus perform at his funeral service for the purposes of singing "This Corrosion" as written by Jim Steinman. Is this some sort of joke?"). Oooh, get everyone riled up and drunk with a rousing chorus of "Where Eagles Dare"! Yes, they should sing a song which has lines like "I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch" repeatedly. And in a church. Yeah, baby!
Hm, actually, I don't know about the church part. I like all the singing and memorial drinking, but probably no church. Maybe something a little more dress-down, like a get together at someone's home or a rented function room at a hotel or restaurant. At what point should by cremation take place? Probably before all the alcohol gets consumed. Drunk guys with lighter fluid and matches is not a good combo, I've learned. No, there won't be a crematory involved, we're talking full-on Jedi-style funeral pyre, here! Light it up and sing some Kansas! Now we're talking! The only question remains: what do I want to be burned in? Kilt? V for Vendetta costume? Decisions, decisions.
William the Bloody (red velvet lines the black box)
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