Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Nine Inch Nails "Heresy" ::
My parents didn't give me a very religious upbringing. You see, they went through the whole church- every-Sunday-first-communion-Catholic-schooling hulabaloo and figured they'd spare their offspring. Sure, I was baptized. We celebrated X-mas and Easter. Heck, I didn't even know what the holidays were even about until I got older (I'm still trying to figure out how egg hunts work into Jesus rising from the grave...).
For this I am deeply, deeply appreciative. However, as a result, I grew up very ignorant of religion, Catholicism in particular. Basically, everything I know about Christianity I learned from the Indiana Jones films, comic books, and the author Neil Gaiman. To summarize:
Jesus was a carpenter (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
The Metatron is the entity who acts as the Voice of God (Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)
Angels are sexless (The Sandman comics, Seasons of Mists and the Kindly Ones story arcs)
The Horsemen, War, Famine, and Pestilence are represented by the colors red, black and white respectively (Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)
These Horsemen are also represented by a sword, a set of scales and a crown respectively (Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)
The Devil's full name is Lucifer Morningstar (the Sandman comics Seasons of Mists and the Kindly Ones)
Cain slew Abel because God accepted Abel's offering of sheep, but not Cain's offering of wilted vegetables (The Sandman comics Parliament of Rooks issue)
God marked Cain for killing Abel (the Sandman comics, Seasons of Mists)
The Holy Grail is the cup Jesus drank from at his last supper (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
Angels' feet never touch the ground (the Sandman comics Seasons of Mists)
The Horseman of Death is never described (Good Omens and the Sandman comics, Seasons of Mist)
Adam and Eve were cast out of Eden because they ate the fruit of Tree of Knowledge (Sandman comics, Parliament of Rooks)
There are 9 circles to Hell (The Spawn comic, that issue Alan Moore wrote)
The Ark of the Covenant carries the remains of the stone tablets of the Ten Commandments (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
That's most of the good stuff anyway. I mean sure there's the "dying for our sins" thing Jesus has going but that's something you can pick up anywhere. I have to say it was pretty interesting that I was the only one in my 10th grade English class to know that Jesus was a carpenter in a room full of kids who had done the whole CCD thang.
I'm sure most of you are saying "Pheh! I picked up on half this stuff from the film Dogma!" Well, guess what, buddy? Where do you think Kevin Smith learned all that? That's right, from the same sources I'll bet (the "No ticket" line is pretty well proof). I'm guessing he only made the occasional glance at the actual Bible while writing Dogma. Because, well Smith is a comic geek and if he hasn't accepted Neil Gaiman as his personal lord and savior yet then he needs to turn in his Comic Geek membership card.
William (you will bow down
before me!)
