Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Me First and the Gimme Gimmes "Science Fiction" ::
Like the undeniably gigantic geek that I am, I have spent the last few weeks catching up on highlights and news from this year's San Diego Comic Con. You're all so surprised, I'm sure. Oh, those amazing photos from the upcoming Watchmen movie look ridiculously awesome and the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 reunion on YouTube fulfilled my wildest fantasies, sure. Good stuff to be had by all. Or is it? You see, amid my beholding of the wonders of the future, I was beset by a horrifying vision. A terrible, horrible, impossible vision. It seems as though a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still is coming out and it is going to star none other than Keanu Reeves as Klaatu. Yes, I do believe a tiny slice of Hell has managed to find its way out and force itself upon us all. When I first came upon this unsettling revelation, I was so very filled with rage I could not formulate a sentence or even breath properly. You see, I am something of a movie buff. I am a fan of classic cinema in particular, and The Day the Earth Stood Still is very near and dear to me. I have the poster on my wall, right by the silent Lon Chaney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Oh sure, it isn't perfect, but I love that old movie and the thought of a remake starring Keanu Reeves is this close to sending me into a violent frenzy. So, rather than go on a murderous killing spree, I thought I'd do like I usually do and vent with snarky remarks, not just on the plight of The Day the Earth Stood Still, but on the plight of all of those old Hollywood celluloid classics which, let's face it, are all doomed to being remade with poor actors and unnecessary, over the top computer special effects sequences. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
Requiem for Science Fiction
Keanu Reeves was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he showed us where we stand
And Utopia was there
In the electric chair
Kevin Bacon was The Invisible Man
Then something went wrong
For Naomi Watts and King Kong
They got caught in a CGI sham
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From Outer Space
And this is what our message ran...
Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) down
the crapper
Doctor Brundle (ooh ooh ooh) will be a creature
See old icons fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Katie Holmes stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the new late night, double feature, picture show
I knew Colin Farrell
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills
And I really thought not
When I heard Courtney Cox
Would fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills
Ryan Reynolds said prunes
Gave him the runes
And passing them used up his skills
But When Worlds Collide
Said Steven Spielberg to his bride
I might give you some negligible thrills
Like a...
Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) down
the crapper
Doctor Brundle (ooh ooh ooh) will be a creature
See old icons fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Katie Holmes stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the new late night, double feature picture show
I'll show up late - Oh oh oh oh
To the new late night, double feature picture show
By Lion's Gate - Wo oh oh oh
That new late night, double feature, picture show
It ain't so great - Oh oh oh oh
That new late night, double feature, picture show
Now, let us bow our heads in remembrance of the science fiction and horror of old and pray for their immortal souls.
William the Bloody (Michael Rennie 4 life, yo!)
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