Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Clash "Lost in the Supermarket" ::
Man alive do I hate going to the supermarket (almost as much as I hate going to Wal-mart). There's something about that which causes not only my social anxiety to run hay wire, but also my general dislike for human beings to bubble up to over flowing. I don't know what it is about the grocery store that makes other people turn into greedy, self-centered meanies, but they do.
First off, you know that most supermarkets have aisles that are wide enough for two shopping carts to pass each other, right? Well, why then do people suddenly turn into selfish idiots and park their cart on one side and then start looking over the items on the opposite shelf, thusly completely blocking shopping cart traffic? You don't put you cart on one side and then block the "passing zone" with your own body! If you're going to be searching up and down the shelf for an item for a few minutes, keep your cart directly in front of you and not next to you so as to not block the way, please! This shouldn't a difficult concept, but apparently it is.
And of course, there are the people who bring their stupid uncontrolled kids to the market with them. Some people do have their kids well under wraps at the store, and props to them, but most it seems like can't be bothered or have their screaming kid tuned out as white noise. So, it's not just the screaming of the children that gets to me here (the screaming bothers me no matter what setting I'm in), it's also the fact that these parents let them run all over the darn place. They get underfoot and in my way, and boy am I in a hurry to get out of there already, so you better make sure I don't step on them blindly in my rush. If your kid goes crying back to you because I bumped into them when they were tearing ass up and down the aisle, it's not MY fault, lady. Maybe you should have seated your kid in the cart, or better yet, left him at home.
To be fair it's not just the little kids either. Oh, no. I also have a problem with the little old ladies at the grocery store. I dislike shopping there so much that often times I'll split up making one big trip into several little ones so that I can get in and out faster. I grab me a hand basket and have, say maybe, six items, or maybe even it's a day that I needed only a gallon of milk. So I have my one gallon, or small hand basket, and oh look, there is no speedy check out line open at the moment, and why here comes an eighty year old woman with a loaded to over flowing cart running as fast as her little legs will carry her to beat me to be next in line. What the hell, right? My transaction would take two minutes and hers will probably be ten at least, but oh no she's got to be next in line! Heavens forefend she be considerate and let someone with ONE ITEM go ahead of her! Ticks me off....
Then there's the matter of me never being able to select the "correct" check out line. Naturally I pick the one that seems to have fewer people in it, or maybe people buying fewer things, but more often than not, this turns out to bite me in my ass. It feels like no matter which line I choose, it will invariably turn out to be the one with an old man who has Parkinson's Disease trying to write out a check for the cashier and it takes him fifteen minute to do so. Or maybe it's some welfare woman whose credit card won't go through and she's making a big stink. Or how about those penny pinchers who argue prices of sale items? And the manager needs to be called over and it's a whole big to do. Then there's the worst of all, when people go to the grocery store as a couple, and they're about to be rung out when one of them says "I forgot something" or "Stay here; I'll be right back" and then the cashier starts scanning in their stuff and finishes and everybody's left waiting because Mum forgot the maple syrup! Always happens to me...
My problems don't end at the check out either! No sirree. There's then the parking lot to deal with. You people out there (you know who you are) who can't be bothered to properly stow your shopping cart once you've loaded your vehicle really burn my toast! Most of you seem to walk halfway to the cart return station, then get bored or something and just decide to give it a good push for the rest of the way. Guess what? They rarely make it in! I really dislike it when I find a stray cart in the lot consuming a really good parking spot or even in the middle of the driving route! And if I ever.... EVER... find a scratch on my car from an errant cart, no force on this earth will save you from my tracking you down and forcing you to eat your own intestines! Remember, you only have yourself and your laziness to blame!
I don't know what it is about the grocery store that causes people's IQ points do drop and their consideration of other people to become nonexistent, but it does! Is it really too much to ask for you not to block the way and to display some simple competence when checking out and stowing your cart? Well, a couple years from now if you hear on the news about some maniac going crazy in a Shaw's parking lot with a broadsword chanting "a gallon of milk! that's all I want! A gallon of milk!" That'd be me.
William (I have a coupon for your soul...)
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