Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Misfits "Monster Mash" ::
As our nation is in the grip of Freddy vs Jason frenzy (it is isn't it?), I started thinking about the franchise. I read an article on it in EW, and seems a sequel in inevitable, and they might even try to get Michael Myers in on the action. It may take another 10 years, but it might happen. So, why not go all the way, no, not Abbott and Costello Meet Freddy, I'm talking all the way and making it Monster Squad: The Next Generation (or Monster Squad 2: the Legend of Curley's Gold, as the case may be).
I envision Hell. The original Monster Squad had Dracula sucked into a nether dimension. This will be Hell. It seems Dracula's chief tormentor turned out to Pinhead. Pinhead, in between ripping off chunks of Drac's flesh with giant hooks, invites him to tea and they talk. Pinhead is intrigued with whatever Dracula's main objective was, which was grossly overshadowed by the device of getting all the Universal monsters in one movie for one last go in the 80's, as it turns out.
Pinhead gets the same unimportant goal in mind (what was it again? Killing all left handed people or something equally baffling, I imagine), and decides to rally his own troops. But, this being Hell and he being Pinhead, is way too cool to settle with old timers like the wolf-man and the mummy. Instead he opts to have the Newline Cinema (they're thinking of buying Myers, give me some leniency here) slashers as his flunkies. He starts out with Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers, and some general unpleasantness involving destruction and violence ensues.
Soon, a group of precocious Corey Feldman-esque youngsters catch wind of Pinhead's evil scheme via all the general chaos and murders lately. These kids, having been fans of the 80's horror flicks, imagined these characters to be only made up for the cinema, but realize all too quickly that these foes are real, and attempt to thwart them (and honestly, who hasn't watched one of these films and imagined a way to foil the baddie). Their attempt is successful, and so Pinhead calls in the evilest child killer ever, Freddy Krueger. Pinhead shied away from Krueger at first because, well, he's very much a loose cannon. But now that a group of 11 year olds manage to upset the plans of a Duke of the Eighth Circle of Hell and his serial killer minions, well this is no time to be picky.
Krueger, eager to get back in the business of killing young children, as opposed to his sex-starved teen killing of late, agrees to join Pinhead's gang of miscreants. First item on the to do list: stop the Monster Squad! Pinhead and his flunkies discover the Squad's Honeycomb Hideout and a melee ensues. Vorhees and Myers, who are not only out of their element with children, but also stumbling, mute, um, "special persons" (that's Short Bus special) get dealt with swiftly. Krueger, whom the Squad weren't expecting, gets a few really good jabs and puns in, and scores one kill. The Squad, momentarily stunned at the loss of one of their own, lets their guard down and and the baddies escape their traps and flee.
The good guys, too distraught over Fat Kid getting stabbed to chase after the villains, all gather around him in his death throws. As he gasps for his last breaths, Fat Kid urges the others not to give up the cause and to take the killers down old school-style. He then ups and dies in some of the worst acting modern cinema has yet to see.
The baddies, at their own hideout, revel in the victorious death of one of the children. Hi-fives and more puns are exchanged. The bad guys are so confident that the kids are now trembling in terror and crying for their mommies, that they are lulled into a false sense of security. The evil doers are in mid-celebration when the Monster Squad storms the place. The kids are well prepared for battle with all kinds of nifty make-shift weapons the audience will be all to eager to try at home. While most everyone fights, the leader of the children and Pinhead have a battle of words on the sidelines. Pinhead, who senses his team may lose, offers the kids' leader a deal; a battle of wits between them two to spare the fighting. To which the child replies, in a corny attempt to be ironic, "We do not want your deals; we want your flesh!" and he summons forth a vacuumous portal to Hell which sucks in the minions, but a struggling Pinhead makes a last effort for the leader. Suddenly, Donald Pleasance or possibly Alice Cooper emerges from the portal and grabs Pinhead, stating that he is pure evil and must be punished and they both get sucked into Hell, with our surprise guest giving the kids the peace sign.
The youngsters then perform a dark ritual to ensure the portal can never again be reopened. Afterwards, they hold a ceremony to honor their fallen comrade and those injured for their cause.
Cut to snazzy ultra-hip theme song over end credits.
William (the killer in us all)
