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Rants >> Rant 112

:: Today's soundtrack: Vast "Touched" ::


So, I know this couple that is getting married, right, and I went out to buy them a card to put on their gift. Little did I know how difficult this would be!

Why is it that EVERY wedding greeting card has to have some sappy, ten page long love poem in it?? I mean, really? I'm probably the biggest hopeless romantic I know of, and even I find these cards waaay too lovey-dovey crap. I really don't want to give anyone I know, no matter how starry-eyed in love they are, a card that has more than three pages of verse in it! Does ANYONE actually ever read a card that long!? Not I. More than two pages and I skip to the end to the signature and any hand-written notes.

Seriously, folks, looking at these cards I got quite annoyed. NOWHERE was there one that simply said "Congratulations!... I know a love like yours will last forever!" Straight forward and to the point, that is. But no. They all carry on about how beautiful love is and usually something about god is thrown in. Your usual wedding card goes something like this:

On your wedding day:

As you both walk down this ever winding path of life, you have found each other, and in doing so found love. Let that love guide you through further down your road to untold happiness. May god shine his divine love over your own, and may you both use this love to grow and shape each other's lives for the better. I hope you both share your path well and spend the rest of your life walking its road hand in hand, never to part ways. The unknown road ahead is always treacherous, but may you face it together and as such, unafraid.

Wishing you both a beautiful journey ahead filled with love...

I just wrote all of that myself and off the top o' me head to boot, but tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that not every greeting card you pick up for a wedding isn't at least four pages long with some prose that's trying waaay too hard to be romantical. Are there really people out there who get all teary-eye by these poems? I shudder to think.

Before you women out there point the accusing "well you're an insensitive man" finger at me, let me just add that I cried watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (shut up), so romance is far from lost on me. I'm a romantic fool. There is just a point where these cards go from sugar sweet to diabetic coma inducing. Maybe I ought to market my own line of short and simple wedding cards. Ones that read like: "Wishing you both the best on your wedding day!" and that's it. Or maybe even: "Congrats on getting married.... she's not knocked up, is she?"

William (took twenty minutes to buy a flippin' card!)

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