Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Amber Jenseen "Amarula Tree" ::
So, it's December and that means X-mas is just around the corner. One of my more picky quibbles with this time of year is the massive deforestation that must occur every X-mas season. I'm not talking only about X-mas tree, either. Don't get me wrong; X-mas trees in one's living room for a month is a damn peculiar thing to do. Can we all agree on that at this point? I think so. Back on point, this isn't the only offender of the mass murder of trees come X-mas time.
Think of the cards. How many people feel obligated to mail cards to distant relatives and friends with whom they barely even speak at X-mas? These people probably don't get a birthday card from you, but dammit, everyone gets one at X-mas! For some reason, at my household anyway, e-cards just simply haven't caught on for X-mas yet. I've gotten them for random events and holidays, but not from the same people come X-mas. It's GOT to be a genuine dead tree card or it doesn't count or something. E-cards are better, though! E-cards can have music or funny animations! They also don't clutter up my house! They serve their purpose by being read and enjoyed and then go away forever! A paper card just sits around the house for weeks because I am evidently not allowed to throw them away until after X-mas for fear of the sender coming by and noticing I haven't got their card displayed. I am a bad friend if I throw the card away too soon. It doesn't matter that I was over your house to hide a dead body; if I threw that card away it's all over. IT'S THE LAW!
Then there's the catalogues. OH SWEET BABY JEBUS THE CATALOGUES! I don't know about YOU, but my mail box gets BOMBARDED with catalogues the first day of December and it positively doesn't let up until X-mas has officially passed. Of course, there are actually a few catalogues from which I have been known to purchase gifts and merchandise. Yes, this happens. However, I don't feel that getting a catalogue from this very same outlet every four days is warranted. I mean, it's all of the same stuff! I don't need a catalogue today to remind about the catalogue and the same stuff that I didn't buy four days ago, thanks. If I didn't buy it then, why would I buy it NOW? Or even if I DID buy something, it would be TOO LATE to send me a catalogue NOW. I JUST BOUGHT IT. I could see sending new catalogues when and if there are all new items inside, but sadly this is NEVER the case! I don't mind being your customer when I get a catalogue from you quarterly, or even once per month, but almost twice a week is not just annoying, it's pretty damn irresponsible when you think of the forests the size of the nation of Ecuador which much have been cut down in order to produce them all. Besides, retailers, allow me to introduce you also to my friend The Internet. No trees were cut down to make your ONLINE catalogue, were there? If I have bought from you before, then more than likely you have my e-mail. I gave it to you so that I could track my order. You could use this to send me updates to your inventory or notices of X-mas sales rather than devastating woodlands to let me know this same information every four goddamn days. Consider it, won't you?
It is because of these points of evidence that I postulate the following: if you are pro-X-mas then you are anti-tree. You cut down a tree and put it in your living room for a month for NO REASON. You mail a hundred cards. You buy gifts which generate an influx of paper catalogues. You are hell-bent on deforestation. That's just how it is. Please, stop the madness! We all, consumers AND retailers alike, need to all come together in this realization and begin the official transition to a treeless X-mas season.
William the Bloody (save a tree)
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