Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: The Misfit Toys "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year" ::
Now, it is time to philosophize the odd and elusive Island of Misfit Toys:
We're on the Island of Misfit Toys
Here we don't want to stay
We want to travel with Santa Claus
in his magic sleigh!
Sigh. Brings back memories, doesn't it? Those damn misfit toys though, I tell you. I didn't understand half of them. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with a doll that say "how do you do"? I mean, that to me sounds like a pretty good doll to have for a little girl. Not many of them can do that, or the cute little curtsey to go with it, either. Also, a spotted stuffed elephant is perfectly normal, too. Stuffed toys are often made not to be realistic looking, especially in the colour department. I myself, can recall having a stuffed elephant as a child which was blue and had pink polka dots in the ears. I freaking loved that thing as a little kid. During the song they also have "a scooter for Jimmy" and don't say what's "wrong" with the scooter. He looks fine to me. Not misshapen, has working wheels, can stay upright, et cetera. Okay, since you toys actually seem okay, I'm going to make up some real problems for you.
"How would you like to be a dolly with severe Tourette's Syndrome? Fuckingsonofabitch!!"
"Or an elephant with explosive irritable bowel?"
"Or a scooter with suicidal tendencies? (next time I'm taking you with me, Jimmy)"
"We're all misfits!"
Then there are the toys which have some sort of obvious flaw about them. Some of these problems always felt really, really weird. I mean, were the writers high or something? A squirt gun that shoots jelly?? Really? First off, some unsupervised kid must have put jelly in there, and secondly to imply that this makes him a misfit means that now the jelly will never run out and he permanently squirts jelly and only jelly. Does this mean that there is a line of squirt guns with "God Mode" on them, and if so, where can I get one right this second? I don't care if it shoots jelly if it means I will never, ever run out of "ammo." Then there is the whole "cowboy who rides an ostrich" fiasco. How on earth could such an obvious manufacturing mistake get out to the retail setting? Does this factory have no quality control? Perhaps this toy was made by one of Santa's elves. One who had no idea about cowboys.
"Hey whatcha makin' there?"
"A cowboy action figure."
"Looks pretty good."
"Thanks. But I'm not sure what it is cowboys ride."
"Hm. Cows?"
"No, it's something faster than a cow, I'm sure of it."
"What runs faster than a cow?"
"...an ostrich?"
Something like that, I guess. Don't even get me started on the bird-that-doesn't-fly-but-swims thing. Isn't a bird on a perch more of a pet than a toy? I mean, really. I think that bird's problem is more that he is prone to having seizure-like fits than his inability to fly. Plenty of birds don't fly, and plenty of other birds do in fact, swim. So what is his problem?
There were a couple of misfit toys which seemed to have easily fixable problems, too. A train with square wheels on its caboose just needs new wheels. Buy new ones at a toy or hobby shop, remove the old ones, put in the new ones, and zing! no more troubles. A boat that can't stay afloat is similarly easily remedied. He obviously has a leak somewhere in his hull area. If the kid who owns this boat has parents, then they ought to be able to repair something as simple as a leaky boat. My mom could be counted on to sew up tears in stuffed animals and glue on broken parts. It might be a primitive fix, but it's not impossible. Somebody never tried, is all.
Well, I suppose the whole idea behind the Island of Misfit Toys is that the people who had them no longer cared for or about them and that they should have owners who loved them just as they are and they didn't need to be "fixed." That's all well and good, but when you're a kid, you can't help but think "why doesn't he just drain out the jelly and put in water?" Yes, the Island of Misfit Toys is just plain silliness when it comes right down to it, but maybe that's what makes it so much fun. And no, I'm not going to even get into King Moonracer, the self proclaimed ruler of the misfit toys (what's that about?). Have a holly jolly one, all!
William (the most wonderful day of the year)
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