Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Evanescence "My Last Breath" ::
Good old Moe Szyslak. I have to say that he is my favorite character on the Simpsons. He's ugly, he's course, he's rude, has been known to smell funny, and is perpetually lonely and depressed. That's the kind of guy I could really laugh at.
For some reason, a character like Moe is okay to laugh at when ever he attempts suicide. It is also okay to think it's funny when he laments about his loneliness and unacceptance. Example when Moe is being interviewed by police as a suspect for shooting Mr. Burn and is hooked up to a lie detector:
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against
Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! (lie detector buzzes)
Alright, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him (pleasing ding)
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're
free to go.
Moe: Good, coz I got a hot date
tonight (buzz!) A date. (buzz!) Dinner with friends. (buzz!) Dinner alone.
(buzz!) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle
the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalogue. (buzz!) Sears catalogue. (ding!)
Now would you unhook this already please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby
treatment! (buzz!)
Oh, yes you do Moe, and more importantly, you know it, too. Having someone as solitary and pathetic as Moe to laugh at seems to make my own life better. Think about it; no matter how bad my life could possibly get, it's definitely better than his. I'm not that ugly, I have a job I like fine, and a home without silverfish.
Also, as evidenced by the above transcribed exchange, Moe has some of the best and funniest lines. He gets his hands on a time travel device and his first instinct is to get some caveman hookers. His idea of a bedtime story is to relay to an infant The Godfather saga. And of course, knowing where he stands:
"Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?! For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on a team. Well, I'm better than dirt... well most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I-I can't compete with that stuff"
That's right, Moe, you poor slob, you. Now everyone, raise your glass, and join me in toasting Moe Szylak, for helping us laugh at life, again.
William (is better than dirt)
