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Rants >> Rant 283

::Today's soundtrack: Icicle Works "Birds Fly (Whisper to a Scream)" ::


One of the benefits of being older is that I have the advantage of experience. I am hoping now that I can pass on some experience which I have learned this past week onto you so that you can NOT do what I did and hopefully save yourself the pain and agony of causing your brain to melt and drain out through your hollowed eye sockets. But first, some set up:

I like to draw things. I have come to enjoy drawing things as the result of a challenge or poser put forth by another. One such recent challenge was to draw characters from the Serenity Rose comics in a steam punk style. I drew the character of Vicious Whisper. Afterwards, I got to thinking about this other character called Rivet Hed and doing him up like some neo-Victorian/gothic man-meets-machine type thing. This character, you see, is a muscle bound, music/horror stage performer kind of like World Wrestling meets Marilyn Manson. I thought it might look cool to have this muscly, jacked up guy with maybe a steam furnace in his chest, all scary looking with pneumatic joints and whatnot. To do this to the best of my ability, I would need photo references. This is why it is good to have the internet and Google right at my fingertips. I can get some references for Victorian dress, ideas for steam punk accessories, and good references for anatomy.

I thought it would be a good idea to look for photos of strong men for this and, sadly, THIS IS WHERE IT ALL WENT HORRIBLY WRONG. I cannot stress this enough: do not, under ANY circumstances do a Google image search for "male bodybuilder." I know, I was thinking I would get the contestants for Mr. Universe, some links to muscle magazines, whatever, but this was NOT the case! I was instead bombarded with a disturbing amount of gay male pornography. And the weird thing is that it wasn't even all muscle men, either. Or even photos of their physique... just thumbnails of giant penises and nutsacks. Really, Google? REALLY? I thought you had filters for this sort of thing?! Also, I type in "bodybuilder" and I get images of two skinny guys porking each other? What kind of a match is that?

Okay, so this post serves a dual purpose, and the first was to warn you about perform such a Google search yourself. There will be so much guy-on-guy action (mostly skinny twerps no one wants to see) that your brain will wither and die. The second so that I can tell you about some of the amusing and crazy photos I came across.

The first one that gave me the giggles was a gay erotica pic of this guy standing there fully dressed. He was very nicely dressed, actually and leaning against a wall. It looked as though it could be a catalogue photo except that he has his cock and balls hanging out. For real. Fully clothed, with the junk gettin' some air, you know, like all us guys do. *snort*. I don't know, I found this to be hilarious. "Hey there. What? Oh this? Just my cock and balls. Just me and my cock and balls hangin' out. Yep, we like to do this every Tuesday in the alley by the Seven-Eleven."

Oh and you'll never guess. There was a picture of a guy actually performing fellatio on himself!! Granted he wasn't all the way down, but still! Do you suppose his friends and family know about his special talent? "Yes, once again the Robinson Family Reunion Talent Show winner is Cousin Gary with his remarkable ability to suck his own dick! Still no one in this family can top that! Here's your gift certificate to Red Lobster, Gary!"

Yanno, there actually were some legitimate bodybuilder photos in that Google search, and surprisingly, these were some of the most disturbing pictures of them all!! I am going to post two to illustrate my point. WARNING: these pics are not for the faint of heart or squeamish!! Scroll down, if you DARE!

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Okay, I understand wanting to exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle and all that, but really? I think there is a limit to the attractiveness level of muscles, and you, my good sir, have crossed it. I mean, he looks like he is made up of a series of balloons which were inflated to the threshold of the bursting point. Where does he get shirts? Or pants, for that matter? How does he even walk with out giving himself an Indian burn? Can he even clap or do his biceps and pectorals collide?

And one more because I hate you all and want you to have nightmares:

 

SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!! Take cover: he's gonna blow!! Those thighs appear to be wider than my shoulders, and brother, do I have wide shoulders! How does this sort of physique even happen?? This is the kind of muscularity which would make small children cry for their mothers. More of a "see the freak!" than "look how hot I am" sort of appearance, don't you think? Also, I do believe his head is about to be swallowed up by his Trapezius muscles.

Wait a minute. I've got it. These are the guys who pose for comic book artist Rob Liefeld when ever he draws horrifically muscular men! Let's compare, shall we?

 

Yes, clearly this man's biceps and thighs are about to explode as well! I can't believe it, after all these years, I finally have an explanation for his character Cable's weird anatomy:

 

Yes, Cable, the guy with upper arms so large he cannot clap his hands and thighs so wide he perpetually squats. I'm still waiting to find out why Cable has so much crazy crap (re: a gazillion pouches, huge shoulder and knee pads, thigh straps(?), bandoliers, and whatnot) on his costume all the time though. Can I squeeze in one more tangent before close? Nah. I think I'm good.

William the Bloody (blinded by science!)

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