Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Misfits "Die, Die My Darling!" ::
I'd like to think that if I were in a horror movie that I'd make it to the end. Well, I guess we'd ALL like to think that about ourselves, wouldn't we? I suppose a more realistic perspective would be to say that I'd be one of those guys who doesn't make it to the credits, but at least two-thirds of the way through the movie so that I'm one of the people the audience roots for and then gets shocked and disappointed at my dismal yet unavoidable demise. Yes, that is probably the most accurate fate for horror-film William. Nay! I say ye nay! Like that one rat-faced bloke in Scream, I too have done my share of scary movie viewing and I would like to share my gleaned knowledge of how to survive all the way through so that we can all live to see the inevitable sequel.
If you're alone in a house, do NOT go and investigate a weird noise.
If you've secured a getaway car, for the love of god do NOT pull up next to a crowd of zombies a yell "what up, my niggaz?"
ALWAYS check to make sure the safety is off BEFORE you're in immediate danger.
Always check the back seat of your car before driving away.
Don't pick up that hitchhiker. Just don't.
If you just had a fight with the villain and he's on the floor in a bloody mess and you're okay, do NOT put down your weapon even if you just stabbed him in the eye/shot him six times.
Don't swim in areas that have signs telling you not to, no matter what the peer pressure level is.
Never decide to test whether or not an old wives' tale/urban legend is true or not by trying it out.
If the power goes out, don't be the one to check on the generator.
Suspect everyone, even your best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, mother, a small child, or doll.
Remember that the traditional anathemas do no harm if you invite the vampire into your home.
The sooner you quit whining and carrying on over your dead friends and turn into an axe wielding bass-ass, the better off you'll be.
Never allow yourself to fall into a false sense of security, even if you're in a police station or hospital.
If a place is rumoured to be haunted, abandoned, or shrouded in mystery by the locals, then get the hell outta there as soon as possible and don't look back.
Never underestimate the villain, even they just lost an arm, eye, lower limbs, had their face burned off, walked through a plate glass window, fallen from a great height, been shot, blown up, run over by a car, drowned, or even decapitated.
Do not spend the night in a building where someone/an entire family/loads of people lost their lives in a brutal slaying.
Never accept assistance or hospitality from anyone with a southern accent.
Always remember that ANYTHING has the capacity to be used as a weapon be it a garage door, mounted stag head, writing implement, wire coat hanger, telephone cord, yard stick, refrigerator door, traffic sign, bug zapper or paperclip.
Stay out of the woods. Period.
Don't go back for the cat. Sorry.
If something falls to earth from outer space, don't touch it.
If you're at home and you find out a killer is after you, good gravy, don't run and hide upstairs.
Make sure the villain isn't hiding in your escape pod BEFORE you blow up your ship.
If anyone you know comments about being attacked/bitten by a crazed dog, you better just face the fact that they're a werewolf and kill them now.
It doesn't really matter how brawny a man is, he can still be taken down (even if the villain turns out to be a 90 pound girl, child, middle aged woman or doll), so don't rely on them for protection.
If visiting the United Kingdom, stay off the foggy moors.
Make sure your car is in good repair and has no trouble starting.
If a book or item has even remotely demonic undertones, do not read from or play with it.
And there you have it, folks! I hope I can count on you to keep these ideas under advisement so that I can not only see you in the sequel, but also survive beyond the first ten minutes of it once we get there.
William (I'll be right back!)
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