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Rants >> Rant 83

:: Today's soundtrack: Oingo Boingo "Dead Man's Party" ::


There are a few things about zombies that I just don't understand. Setting aside the general fact that, yes, they are basically reanimated dead corpses with a hunger for flesh and brains, there are some characteristics concerning them that I can't wrap my mind around.

In example, for something that is dead and decaying, they sure seem to have quite the appetite, and this appetite appears to be practically bottomless. Clearly, most zombies are in some state of putrefaction, and yet we are to assume their digestive tract works perfectly. Does this mean that somewhere in those horror movies there is a zombie squatting in the bushes? Also, they never seem to get "full." There doesn't ever seem to be a zombie loosening his belt with the look of "no thanks, I just ate" about him. Presumably, if there are living people around, a zombie will try to eat it, even if it just got done polishing someone else off.

Probably the thing I don't get most is why don't they just eat each other? I've asked other people this, and they always tell me the same thing: that other zombies aren't living and therefore unappetizing. Since when are zombies only attracted to eating "live" meat? My chief point of reference when dealing with zombie lore is Night of the Living Dead, which I consider to be the granddaddy of them all, and so should everyone. In Night, there is one young couple who make a run from the house to a truck and the truck explodes with them in it. Their parts and innards go flying, and the zombies surrounding them have a nice, piping hot buffet. We in fact, see, on camera, many zombies partaking of various organs shed by the doomed couple. These organs are, obviously, no longer living as of a few minutes ago, and yet the zombies did not turn their noses up at them. Also in Night, there is the little girl who dies of an infected zombie bite, and when she resurrects, she attacks her mother with a patching trowel, thus killing her, and THEN eating her. The little girl didn't even TRY to eat her mother while she was alive. These points clearly dispute the "zombies only eat the living" hypothesis. Even if you were to push the "well then zombies only eat the RECENTLY deceased" possibility, then there should be at least a few fresh zombies who get attacked by the others, but there never are.

Lastly, I want to know definitively what causes zombies to rise from the grave in the first place. Night tried to imply that some sort of interference from outer space was the cause, but was never too clear on the subject, and subsequent Romeo films didn't even bother with the explanation on account of being sequels and thus already past the exposition stage. More recent zombie movies are falling into the "germ warfare" niche, but you know, I just don't buy that.

Perhaps this is why zombies freak me out more than vampires or werewolves is because of these unanswered questions. I have no idea what would cause a zombie uprising, and therefore don't know when it will happen (oh yes, it WILL happen, mark my words) or what warning signs to look out for. They're endless eating machines, so even if I throw my neighbor's kid at them, they will more than likely still try to bite off my ankles if I try to run by, even while snacking on her. I guess my only hope is to continually prepare for this gruesome eventuality, and possibly ask these questions again when it arrives.

William (zombie alarmist)

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