Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: The Cure "Lovecats (12" EP Mix)" ::
I have decided that if reincarnation is real, I’d like to come back as a house cat. If you take a minute to think about it, that would really be living the sweet life. All you’re obligated to do is lounge around all day and these people will give you food, pet you and love you and even scoop up your poop. Oh sure, you might think that with all this you may as well be a dog, but I still think cat is the way to go. For starters, when you’re a dog, people expect you to learn tricks and run around and stuff. But if you’re a cat and you manage to learn like one trick, people are amazed and expect no more from you. You also have license to sleep for 23 and ½ hours a day and run around like insane lightning at 3am for no reason and this is considered absolutely normal. Also I like to think I’d retain a bit more dignity as a house cat since it comes with less drool and sniffing people in the crotch. I’m sure it makes no difference who the humans are that look out for me in my house cat life, someone’s going to put little baggies on my paws just to watch me shake my little feets when I walk, but I’m willing to live with that in exchange for the free food and sleeping all day. Ooooh, and the claws! Yeah I can totally see having some good times with those claws. “Hey, human, I’m trying to sleep! Hands off my belly till I’m good and ready to be petted! Hissss!!” *scratchscratchscratch!* And they’ll carry on loving me right after! A scratch right across the nose and it’s business as usual. And maybe if I’m feeling charitable I’ll grace you with my presence on the couch while you watch television tonight. Perhaps I’ll give you a display of adorableness by playing with a piece of string. Yeah, the string thing is a racket in order for us cats to endear ourselves to you humans. And tomorrow morning I’ll wake you up for my breakfast by sitting on your chest and hindering your ability to breathe, and you’ll think it’s cute! Yes, I'll create such a racket in the middle of the night, eat your house plants, claw up the curtains and sleep all day when you want to play, but you humans put up with it because, well, look, I'm a furry kitty cat and every once in a while I do something hilarious like skid on the linoleum because I'm running with my claws out and also, the super irresistible cuteness. After I am reincarnated as a cat, YOU WILL OBEY THE CUTENESS!! Yes, sir, sleep all day and a throng of willing human slaves to do my bidding. That'll be the life. Um. Except for the neutering part. I don't see that as being pleasant.
William the Bloody (and I dance, dance, dance, and I dance, dance dance)
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