Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Me First and the Gimme Gimmes "Science Fiction/Double Feature" ::
As you may be aware, I am a fan of the motion pictures. I like to watch movies; it is one of my favourite past times. As a fan of the movies, I have seen many different types, but buy-n-large, one of the most fun I have watching a movie is when a movie is bad. I mean those films that are so awful that they somehow come out the other side of awful and turn out good. This is usually because of the unintentional hilarity involved, but still, it was so bad that I laughed my ass off and therefore was entertained. Isn't that what you want out of a movie? Entertainment? I have come to know that I am not the only person who feels this way! No, the midnight movies are coming back and people turn out in droves! Here's what y'all have got to see:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yes, it has become a classic. But strip away the participation and what have you got? One REALLY BAD movie. Seriously, try watching it like it's a REAL movie and see how terrible it is. But these days everyone goes into it KNOWING it's terrible and has a marvelous time. Just remember: there is virtually no bad movie experience that cannot be saved by yelling things at it. This is the proof!
Repo: The Genetic Opera. I had hopes for this movie. A gothic-industrial rock opera about a man who repossesses unpaid organ transplants. YES PLEASE. When the REAL plot turned out to be about some 16 year old girl and the love triangle her father, mother, and a wealthy industrialist had before she was born.... snooooore. When I stopped being disappointed at how bad this movie was I started to get really amused, really fast. A few more viewings and this one could be really hilarious.
The Room. I went into this knowing it was bad. The reputation for its badness had preceded it, you see. This movie has some of the most gawd-awful acting you will ever see. This is only compounded by the fact that it was written AND directed by the lead actor, and he is the worst actor in the whole thing, but it is his terrible performance that helps to "sell" this picture on its so-bad-it's-good status. Every aspect of this film is SO BAD that it will captivate you and you will die laughing every time you think about it. And it will leave you wanting to quote it's horrible dialogue for weeks. "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!" What does that even MEAN?
Plan 9 From Outer Space. The quintessential bad movie. The gold standard by which all other bad movies are judged. This film not only has bad acting, writing and directing, the sci-fi concept is totally bizarre, the sets and props are bad (a grave stone FALLS OVER... but they keep on shooting! Who cares?)... and there are little wobbly flying saucers. Gotta love those. And what's with the narrator guy? Like an onion, the sheer terribleness of Plan 9 is in stinky layers that might make you cry. From laughter! Zing!
Troll 2. How bad is Troll 2? Well let's start with the fact that there are no trolls in it. Not a one. So yeah. There's that right there. I think that tells you how much the creators of Troll 2 just didn't care one lick. This is another film with oddities of dialogue like "If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them." Yeah, that's just how girls talk to their boyfriends. But to be completely fair, that line needs to be HEARD for its delivery is what truly makes you believe in its sincerity. See also "you can't piss on hospitality" and the classic "they're eating her! Then they're going to eat me! Oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!" Like The Room, this is a film whose awfulness needs to be seen, nay, EXPERIENCED, in order to be fully appreciated.
Okay, so this is a brief overview of what has become "The Essential" in bad cinema. There are other offenders out there, of course there are, but these are the ones everyone MUST SEE in order to appreciate the oddities and wonderment of the truly bad movie.
William the Bloody (Oh, hai!)
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