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He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Ravonettes "Love in a Trash Can" ::
Yet another item on the "what may one day drive William to mass murder" list is when trendy pop singers think it's a good idea to cover a song from the 1960s. Yes, I know that eventually all bands and singers will one day do a cover song, and not EVERY cover will turn out good, but these pop idols (usually female, sorry ladies, but it's unavoidably true) take bad to a whole new sucky level.
Britney Spears "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction". Ms. Spears has reserved herself a special place in Hell for this one. Seriously, what was she thinking? Gone are the upbeat and driving guitars, instead we get synthesized crap. The song starts with a completely out of place adagio tempo, acoustic guitar, and her "crooning" the chorus then panting into the mic. Please, for the love of god and your own body, stop trying to sell us on your sexiness, okay? Sexy does NOT equal talent, as this song more than proves.
Madonna "American Pie". I used to like Madonna, I did, back in the 1980s. What happened? Well, for one thing her AWFUL cover of the classic "American Pie." Granted, anyone attempting to cover this is already treading on thin ice, but I honestly feel it didn't HAVE to be this terrible! For starters, the song is supposed to start slow, then get all bouncy and full of energy. Madonna's version does not pick up tempo at any point, so instead it feels like we're trudging through pop music sludge-molasses. Also, she doesn't even do the entire song! She does the prologue, the first verse, and the epilogue, and sings the chorus a bunch of times. That's it!! Um... hello? Completely gone are the verses with the jester, Lenin and the book of Marx, fire being the devil's only friend, et cetera. What the hell? If ever something were to make me wish I had been suddenly struck deaf, this cover is it.
Jessica Simpson "These Boots Are Made For Walking". What the merry hell did she DO? Can you even propose to cover a song if you don't even know the words?? Besides the chorus, Simpson's version only has TWO LINES of lyrics in common with the original Sinatra version!! I'd be all for her adding a verse in the middle for the Dukes of Hazard tie-in factor, but to completely re-write a classic song and still use the title and chorus just for money making purposes is wrong on so many levels! She HAD some good things going for her, like the country sound COULD have fit the song just right AND made it her own, but instead she went and sang a totally different song and inserted all these "break it down" parts in the middle for no reason. It's almost like she went to write her own song, then realized she didn't have the talent to write ONE WHOLE SONG on her own so she outright stole from a classic. It sickens me.
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to cover "Let it Be". It's going to start out slow and acapella with a reverb on my voice, then build up to dance beat with an over use of synthesizer! THEN, I'm going to change half of the words and sing the chorus over and over! Doesn't that sound awesome?! NO IT DOESN'T!!! So, then why so these pop idols keep doing this to us, the general public? I swear, if someone like Christina Aguillera or whatever attempts to cover another classic 60s song and fucks it up I'm going out for blood!! ARE YOU WITH ME???!!
William (full o' pop hate juice)
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