Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: AFI "Prelude 12/21"::
Do you ever look at that TV Guide Channel? Just in case you don't know what I'm talking about, it is a television channel which cycles through all the cable channels and tells you what's on in the immediate time frame. Back in the day, it was called the Preview Channel and all it did was show what was coming on over the bottom half of the screen and played commercials over the top half. No big, I mean they have to pay the bills, too, right? Then at some point the TV Guide people decided to buy this idea because, well, telling people what's going to be on television is their whole deal, isn't it? To me, this is when it went downhill. How can someone possibly mess up a television channel whose only function is to list what programs are coming on which channels when, you might ask? I'll tell you. They started broadcasting actual, well sort of, content in the top half of the screen is how. They started out with some "original" shows, which was okay, I suppose, which had a television theme about them like people remodeling a room in the style of their favourite television show such as a Munsters living room. However, soon they started buying up some of the crappiest already existing cable shows like Surreal Life. I never know what show it is they have on because Flava Flav is in all of them. Also, I can almost literally feel my intelligence decrease exponentially, all because I can't remember what time Scrubs comes on. So I tune into the TV Guide Channel to get the time and I am emotionally scarred by Flav's ugly mug. How he could get as many television shows as he has AND played an eligible bachelor with throngs of hot (yet vacuous) ladies clamouring for his affections is beyond me. But I digress. The most annoying thing about the TV Guide Channel is when there is some major televised awards event coming on. Then it becomes difficult to use this channel for it's admitted function because they deem covering the red carpet more important and squish the program listings into two rows, make the background transparent (as opposed to a contrasting and therefore easy to read colour), and make the font size super small. I'm sorry, but if I really wanted to see footage of the fashions at the Golden Globes then I would watch, I don't know, a program like The Insider, or Entertainment Tonight, or E! Entertainment Television network, but I don't, so I don't, and yet here I am bombarded with nonsense like "WHO are you wearing?" over and over again from attention whores like Joey Fatone simply because I'm waiting for the broadcast listings to cycle back around. I don't even know what these TV Guide Channel people are thinking. Do they really believe that there are people who WATCH their channel for its broadcast content and NOT because they want to know what else is on? "I'm sorry honey, but now that I know Lost is on channel 8 in five minutes, I not going to change it over like planned because there is this awesome show on the TV Guide Channel! Let's watch Look-a-Like instead!" Seriously? You guys think this happens? Oh, I know what you're thinking. I ought to just get one of those satellite television providers because they have their own broadcast listing guide without any of this added garbage, but I'll be honest with you; that would be too much television for me. Personally, I pay about twenty dollars a month for around twenty channels, the absolute basics. If I had all of those fancy ass channels at home, I would never stop watching television. If Turner Classic Movies, Sci-fi, and Cartoon Network were readily available, I would never get up off my couch. Yes, mildly depressing, I know, but a regular stream of black and white films and/or Tex Avery cartoons and my brain is in happy land. So this is why I stick with basic cable for my television needs even though it means having to put up with seeing Flava Flav look and act like and idiot against my will. But I could not let it rest without letting it be known that the TV Guide people managed to fuck up the easiest network on television to maintain. All you had to do was list what was on TV and when, but noooooooooooooo. You just had to go fussing with it didn't you? You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? Jackasses.
William the Bloody (gouging out his eyes)
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