Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Birthday Massacre "Horror Show" ::
It's no secret that Hollywood has been on a film remaking kick in recent years. There are some instances where I don't mind so much. I don't mind Hollywood making American versions of foreign movies. The Al Pacino movie Insomnia is a good example of Hollywood redoing a foreign film for American audiences, because let's face it, Norwegian films don't exactly get wide release in the good ol' US of A. They can also keep on remaking movies which are based on books all they want as far as I'm concerned. I am of the belief that Dracula is the most remade story of them all, and I hope they make more because eventually someone's going to actually get it 100% right. What I DON'T like, however, is the whole remaking of what I would consider to be "classic" horror movies. Great googly-moogly does this irritate the living hell out of me.
House on Haunted Hill, House of Wax, Halloween, the Hills Have Eyes, and various other classics which do not begin with "H", ought to be left alone as all the "modern" versions have to offer is gore, nudity and profanity. I am of the opinion that gore does not equal scary. I can get way more frightened of a scene if it is well cut and I'm left to my own horrible imagination for the -- ahem-- gory details. My own mind has some crazy shit going on in there, and trust me, anything that a movie feels like it needs to show will only be for shock value and not scares. The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared the pants off of people and there is hardly any blood in it at all! A guy gets chainsawed in the face and there is no blood spatter! There is effective violence, with no gore. It can be done, folks. (This is not to say that gore and blood don't have there place in horror movies, because of course they do. It's just that these remakes feel like adding more and more and this takes it to the "shock" or "indulgent" level regardless of things like "relevance" or "scariness." That's a whole other rant right there.)
When I heard about the Halloween remake I was simultaneously peeved and intrigued. Of course I had to see it, just like I had to see Psycho, Dawn of the Dead, and the rest of the redos. I was eager to see what an avid classic horror fan like Rob Zombie would enhance and bring to the table for the immortal Halloween. Answer: nothing but shock value horror porn. I will grant him that the death scenes were very real feeling and accurately depicted. Also, one secret thing I was hoping for was a tiny cameo of the Misfits song "Halloween", which I got. Yay. The rest was awful shlock. There were about four death scenes which were nearly identical. Michael attacks a woman, they attempt to get away while crawling on all fours, Michael drags them back to finish them off. And scene. The beginning portion of the movie was all Michael Myers back story and that part is utter baloney. Zombie feels like displaying his wife as a cheesecake actress all the damn time even though she is grossly under weight (someone get her a sandwich and some Methadone STAT) and a terrible actress. The Myers back story I think is mostly what ruined this remake for me (that and most of the editing, well, maybe lack thereof). Zombie seemed like he was trying to go somewhere with it and got really lost, and as a result totally negated any scariness Michael had. It also is making me believe that Zombie can't make a film without cussin', sleazy white trash in it. Seriously, I nearly walked out because I was so bored, and I never do that (think about walking out on a movie, that is). I kept thinking, "it'll get better when the classic Halloween part gets going." It didn't. The reason I ramble on so about the horrid fiasco that was Rob Zombie's (sic) Halloween, is that due to its box office success, it looks as though a new Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street aren't far behind. If there ever were a reason for mailing boxes filled with scorpions to studio executives, this is it!
If Hollywood is Hell-bent on remaking old horror movies, I offer them this solution: instead of redoing classic, iconic films, why not take a stab at reinventing some of the little known cheesy horror films of yore instead? The majority of the Roger Corman oeuvre is in the public domain these days, so you can remake some of his sillier films like Wasp Woman or even Bucket of Blood without even negotiating rights! If you can remake a movie like, say Die Die My Darling, Astro Zombies, April Fool's Day, or Blood Feast but turn it into something well written, with good characters, snappy dialogue, interesting death scenes, and a few genuine scares, THEN you'd be onto something. By remaking a movie that is ALREADY good (i.e. The Thing from Another World, The Blob, or even The Fog), you've achieved nothing. It was already done and done well. It's turning a bad movie into something good that's hard to do and will prove you're on your mettle. So, please Hollywood Studios, please, leave the good, old classic horror movies alone. If someone were to pitch a "re-imagining" of Casablanca, you wouldn't let them touch it, would you? Oh lord, please say you wouldn't.
William (They're dead. They're... all messed up.)
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