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Rants >> Rant 305

::Today's soundtrack: The Smiths "Shoplifters of the World Unite" ::


Something that has always irritated me is getting stuck behind idiots in line at a store. I have mentioned before how much I loathe to go to the supermarket. This idea expands to any sort of retail shop when there is some moron in the queue ahead of me at the cash register.

One of the ones that gets me the most are those, usually elderly lady types, who wait until their entire cart full of merchandise has been rung up before writing up their check to pay for it all. No, worse, are those ladies who wait until everything has been totaled up before they even start to look for their check book which has fallen into one of ten thousand pockets of their hand bag. It's not as though the amount came as a surprise and they found themselves unexpectedly short of cash with which to pay. Oh no, they knew they were going to write out a check from the get go and instead of starting making the check out during the five minutes it took the cashier to ring up their items, they wait until they are all done and the line has doubled in size behind them. And don't you just hate it when they don't even have a pen? You knew you were going to be writing a check when you got to the store, then by golly you should have come prepared! You have an enormous pocket book so it's not as though you haven't got a place to keep one!! Here's an idea: why not have the check all made out before even leaving your house next time? All you need to do is leave the amount blank! It's not like the store is going to change their name or the date any different before you get there!!

Another one are the doofuses who have no idea how to use the debit card machine but only have that card as a method of payment on them. Look, if you don't know how to complete a transaction with your debit card, then don't fucking use it, okay? And don't you give me the old "every machine at every store is different" line. Please. It isn't hard to figure out when you notice all cards swipe the same way (black stripe pointed in and facing down) no matter what side of the machine it is on and that they ask you the same basic questions like credit or debit (choose one!! Hint: it's DEBIT!), your PIN, and amount okay (check YES!!). Yes, some you tap buttons and others it's touch screen, but again: same basic questions!! I rarely use my debit card at the register but always know how to do so when I have to because I've overheard clerks explain to idiots in front of me over and over again how to do it. So, it shouldn't be that far fetched for me to expect for someone who uses their card all the time to know how it's done! Is it?! IS IT?!!

The thing that some of the larger stores do that doesn't help matters is having an express check out lane of 10 items or less ALSO be the lane where the tobacco products are kept. If you wanted to find a way to purposefully slow down your own "express" line, hiding the cigarettes under lock and key behind it is the way to go!! Sure, a large store like my local Super-Mega-Ultra-Wal-Mart has something like 20 check out lanes with about five of them express. Now, not all of the lanes are always staffed. Depending on the time of year or even the time of day, less than half of them may be available to ring out sales. That being said, the first thing cut back are the express lines because people who shop at Wal-Mart typically over-fill their carts with merchandise. There will be ONE express line open and guess which one it's got to be? Yep, the one with the smokes! So, I get in line with my two items, thinking the fellow ahead of me is only buying a couple of things, but then he asks for cigarettes. And for some reason, this is never simple. The clerk fumbles with the keys, and it's always "no not THOSE Marlboros, the ones in the hard pack! To your left! No, up one row! Now back! That's the ones!" Or somebody wants something weird like a corn cob pipe and they have to call the manager over. I don't care that you want to sell tobacco products, but do me a favour and don't label the check out lane with them in it as "express" because brother, it NEVER is!

I don't mind waiting in line when the people ahead of me utilize basic common sense! Have your checks ready to go! Know how to use the freaking debit card machine if you're going to use it! And for the love of all that is good in this world don't trick me into going into an express lane if the cigarettes are back there. Just... don't. It's almost enough to make a guy take up shoplifting just to avoid the hassle of cashing out. Now THERE'S an idea....

William the Bloody (shoplifter's union local 603)

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