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Rants >> Rant 256

::Today's soundtrack: The Killers "Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself" ::


The outfit I use for e-mail, Verizon, has just done some weird-ass merger or whatever shit with Yahoo!, so now my e-mail is all funky. My Verizon mail now looks suspiciously like Yahoo! mail, which I am unsure as yet whether or I like. It has been under a week after all. However, one of the "new" things with this switch or whatever, is that now I have a visible "bulk" e-mail folder, and it tells me how many messages get squirreled away in there. I was pretty surprised to find several hundred messages shunted thataway, due to the short amount of time my account had been set up like this. So, I did what any rational person would do. I took a peek inside. That's right, it's time to once again marvel at the awe and majesty of the fabled spam e-mails!

First off, some interesting message lines:

Omigawd, self employed can be me? Me am truly sad Bizarro receive you an e-mail!

"Hey Inell, how have you been feeling lately?" "Well, I've had a bit of a cold." "I see, so you would use Ms instead of Ns and vice versa?" "...yes."

Wait... what did you just call me?! Why you son of a bitch! Look, I don't know what a "duppole" is exactly, but I don't appreciate your tone, mister!

Look, if you're SOLD OUT, then why are you trying to sell them to me? YOU'RE SOLD OUT. It makes no sense! My brain!

This admittedly intrigued me. I mean, it wasn't the obvious attempt to sell me drugs or get me to an online casino. I'm sure many of you have heard of this new movie Hancock starring Will Smith. I don't know too much about the film, and I opened the mail to find this info:

Seriously. I was thinking of passing on Hancock, but now that I know there will be a giant battle between penguins and pelicans, how can I NOT see it? That's going to be one heck of a fight scene! I guess cock fighting is sooooo yesterday.

Of course, I did wind up opening various others just for the heck of it.

I don't know about you, but I think I'd like to buy my Viagra from a place that can actually SPELL Viagra! And what the hell is that "VPRNXL" thingie supposed to be?? They're just making stuff up now!

Um, I think if I'm going to alter my penis shape, I don't think I want that shape to be a CUBE. That just sounds... not good. I dunno, maybe that's just me?

I suppose if my deepest fantasies involve weight loss, I'm good to go here. That's kind of an odd combination to offer, isn't it? Secret fantasies AND losing kilos (oh, I'm sorry LOOSING)? What man alive wouldn't be turned on by that?

How does one undermine a spittoon, exactly?

Tell larch what? Why don't you tell him yourself?? But... a larch is a tree, isn't it? Yes, I think so.

The larch.... THE larch. I don't think The Larch is going to do much skittering to the Boga, Boga Pana... they fell in love! Um. Next slide:

Why yes, I do have a degree. IN HOROLOGY, baby! Wanna come back to my place? Yeah that works every time! I kid, I kid. I know "horology" has to do with clock making, okay? The real question is what does clock making have to do with pharmaceuticals and how can one possibly be "at" "the science of clock making"?

Hold on a minute. Those last three images are one a bit of a theme, aren't they? What with all their "CyANmADIeAN PHsAmRMmACY" business. I think they're trying to send me some sort of subliminal message! If only I could make out WHAT they were possibly trying to tell me? It's some sort of cipher! Like the Zodiac killer! Oooh, fun! Anybody know a Californian school teacher I get get on the phone to solve this thing which is enshrouded in veritable impossible mystery? Let me know when enough sarcasm is enough. Clearly, those Canadians do not know how to make a proper coded message. Or how to structure a sentence. "He it karat imperative"? Really? I guess Canada may be a clean and friendly place, but their school system apparently sucks ass.

Okay, I'm starting to get way too snarky. I can't be the only person who does this. Have ya'll ever found anything weird/unusual sounding in your spams? Or am I really the only one here who even looks at them? You don't know what you're missing sometimes.

William the Bloody (spamalot)

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