Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie "This Charming Man" ::
Try as I might, I now know that there are certain things in this world that I will never understand. Unfortunately for me, most of these things people INSIST on placing out on their front lawns for me, and the world, to ponder.
Wicker Furniture: What's the deal with this stuff, seriously? Did someone out there get a brain storm on making the world's most ugly and uncomfortable furniture? I know! Let's have it not only hard, but also with tiny ends that stick out and poke you in places! Yeah! Awesome!
Garden Reflection Balls: You know those shiny globes people put on pedestals in their yard surrounded by flowers or some such? What is the deal with those things?? For a while I thought that maybe the shine scared birds from eating your plant seeds, but then I noticed that some of these people who have these spheres also set out bird feeders and the birds are not the least bit deterred. Just recently I saw one of these balls painted over to match the house! You freaks are all aliens under cover, aren't you? Those balls are used to send signals back to Planet X, aren't they? AREN'T THEY?! Please, there is no other explanation! I'm not mad! I swear!
Plastic Lawn Animals: Um, okay, why? Do you really think you're fooling anyone with that cheap, brown plastic, and cartoony baby deer? Do you honestly think that people driving past will say "oh, slow down honey, there's a deer in that yard! Let's snap a picture!" Or do you think that resin dog with his back leg lifted up is charming? Why yes, that pink flamingo really does give your home the ambiance of warmer climates, why do you ask? Are all of you people really this clueless? REALLY?
People Cut-Outs: Often, people who think they can fool us with phony plastic animals, think the next greatest thing are wooden cut outs of people all over the damn place. Oh, you know, the outline of some fat woman's fanny shoved in the air over the flower bed sure is classy! Same thing with that big pink face with the long nose hanging over your fence! Is it wrong of me to call someone who lives in a real house "trailer trash"? I think I can legally get away with it if you've got any of these people cut outs in your front yard. I don't care how many hundreds of thousands of dollars you spent on that home, your property value is now in the toilet thanks to a fake fat woman's spotted granny panties on display in your hydrangea bushes.
The Virgin Mary on the Half Shell: I can understand why you like your religion and may even want to let others know that you endorse it wholeheartedly. Yay Christianity, woo! But why on earth do people put the Holy Virgin on display in half an oyster shell? I could see a platform, or dome, or arch or something, but a fucking oyster shell?? Is there some meaning behind the shell that I haven't heard of? Was the Virgin borne of the sea like the Birth of Venus? What's the deal?
Can any of you people explain any of this stuff to me? Why are those shiny balls given such prominent display space when they don't DO anything? Why do people STILL put out cheesy lawn ornaments when they were deemed tacky over thirty years ago? And goddamn wicker furniture!? Yes, I'm all for and understand landscaping, but this stuff? I can get behind a fountain, birdbath, statue or sculpture in stone or resin, or even a sun dial, but when you start shoving plastic squirrels into your lawn with spikes, well, you've lost me.
William (my kinds of people and there are assholes)
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