Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Pat Benetar "Hell is for Children" ::
I'm not exactly what you would call "child friendly." I don't really care much for them in general, kids. I'm talking the little ones, you know, six and under. Oh sure, some are okay, but like I say, generally speaking, I can't say as I care for them.
Part of what it is, I guess is the opinion of the world at large. Kids are CUTE! It's okay, they can get away with anything because they're only a kid! He doesn't know any better, he's only a kid! Well, stuff it, all of you. Having this opinion is fine, but the way most of the world goes around wielding it like this is the way we all feel is just annoying. Well, maybe that didn't come out right. What I mean is, if your baby projectile vomits onto me, you don't say "oopsie poor ickle Jimmy-jims had too much ice-cweam, oh yes he did!" See what's missing from that? An apology! Too many people think that just because "ickle Jimmy-jims" is six months old that I should take being vomited on with a grin and go so far as to compliment him. Er, no.
Also, I don't care how much of a proud pappa you are, I don't need to feel forced into looking at your baby photos. Again, some people are fine, but most seem like they'd tackle you around your ankles and sit on your chest to make you look at the first time junior spit up, spectacularly caught on film. And what if the kid is butt ugly? It's like I'm not allowed to say so. "This is my new daughter, Kendra. Isn't she gorgeous?" Not really, no. She looks like a pink Yoda, if you really want to know. And you know, if you took your baby, and threw her into a pile of other babies, I don't think I could pick her out of the lot of pink Yodas. A baby is a baby to me.
And then there are the parents who think everyone wants a hug and/or kiss from their toddler. Yeah, it was considerate of you to think of me and introduce your family and all, but please for the love of god and your own body, keep that kid at arm's length! Your child has been playing with other children and they with others! Who knows what sort of evil virus of death is breeding in your kid's sweat glands as we speak! I don't hug or kiss any of my adult acquaintances when I leave a room, why would I want to do this with a child I don't even know or like! I think I need to walk around with a yard stick with a sign on it that says, please keep your toddler at least this far from me on it or if your kid gets any closer and I reserve the right to use violence to defend myself.
And you know what? If you're going to come over my house and
you bring your kid, you damn well better make sure it behaves. YOU chose to
bring YOUR child to MY house. You know full well that I own many pointy and/or
breakable things so don't you go and get mad at me if junior pokes his eye out
with a dagger I left lying around. You heard me. What? And if he feels like
smearing ketchup on my carpet or breaks one of my statuettes, I reserve the
right to get pissed and demand some sort of restitution! I'm sorry but the "he's
three and doesn't know any better" argument just doesn't fly and if you say it's
cute so help me I'll rip out your pancreas.
William (hates the sound of children playing)
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