Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Misfits "Great Balls of Fire" ::
Do you, the lucky reader at home, have any idea what it is you're reading RIGHT NOW? This, my dear friend, is the 200th rant here at William's Bloody Hell! Does it contain profound realizations or exciting revelations? Er... no. What I'm going to present to you here is one of those montages like you get at the Oscars when they're going to give someone a lifetime achievement award, only, you know, with words instead of film. So, it's EVEN MORE boring. Yay!
It was the summer of 2003 when William the Bloody decided to join the millions ahead of him and create his own website for nothing other than megalomaniacal purposes. A stack full of crappy sketches and cartoony versions of Buffy the Vampire Slayer character drawings in hand, he started scanning and designing one heck of a piece of shit free website hosted on Geocities. Geocities was more than happy to host this site stating: "Unbelievably crappy and poorly designed amateur websites are our stock and trade. We'd be lost without clients like William the Bloody to spread our pop-up ads to the masses!"
Ten months later in February of 2004, modest success which constantly caused Geocities' bandwidth allotments to exceed had gone to William the Bloody's head and he began to have an ego the size of Cleveland. This caused him to think people actually like his website and to spend his hard earned monies on making it more betterer. A formal domain with a correctly spelled URL for a change and actual meta tags only broadened his audience, and proportionately, his insanity.
Greater bandwidth and memory reserves from a REAL hosting company allowed William the Bloody to expand his illustration galleries and add more areas of content and ways for him to constantly fuck with the mind of his readership. Alas no matter what William the Bloody did, all website reviewers constantly gave him the same sort of feedback being along the lines of: "I really enjoy your website. The content is original, the drawings are lovely and the rants are funny, but the layout absolutely stinks! You totally suck at layouts and your coding is an atrocious mess!!" It was these sorts of comments which lead to the infamous snapping in half of the interwebs, which left the various tubes and wires a useless mess for months and caused William to grow a beard. After months of agony, William learned how to code a table and the most popular layout, "zombies of death!!" was born, but still, most critics waffled, calling it "plain" and "basic." William cried like a girl that his months of hard work only mildly paid off.
William's beard began to work its way into his vulnerable brain meats and affect his thought processes. William was mutating into Evil William and thus began work on the current layout, "baptism of blood and fire!" which wound up annoying people because the picture was horizontal. Evil William was also annoyed because his gold lamay sash is not visible in the main layout image, and he wanted the skulls of babies knotted in his hair, but the internet censors deemed this behaviour unacceptable and he was beaten with his own shoes for hours until agreeing to photoshop the skulls out.
After four years of promises, threats, and innuendo, William the Bloody still has yet to realize his dream of world domination via mutant chicken-gerbil monstrosity hybrids. He still resides in his space station of doom which orbits the earth geosynchronous with Eliza Dushku's home (she has yet to answer any of his letters or accept his proposal of matrimony and reign over humanity as its queen (so have Amy Lee, Fairuza Balk, Jennifer Connelly, Allyson Hannigan, and Lucy Liu). Asteroid M constantly invades William's air space and the two have had laser fights on more than one occasion, but also get together one Tuesday a month to discuss the downfall of that meddlesome Reed Richards and to hold their knitting circle.
Currently, William's Bloody Hell is the home of 175 reviews, 184 "works of art", and 200 rants which are all completely original and if they are found elsewhere on the nets then that content pirate is soon hunted down and strangled with a telephone cord before a live audience as a warning to others. Unless, of course, they have gotten William's permission, then they get a basket of scones and a singing telegram. William owes a debt or gratitude to those who ever said anything good about this website because they helped to make it the not-so-crappy site that it is today. An extra large serving of thanks goes out to Thunderdude and Forrest Grump for their review contributions during the rocky "early years", and they have each been promised a governorship over parts of the globe after the domination plans go through (Appalacia and the Eastern Bloc respectively). William would also like to thank those who have visited this site more than once, participated in any of the contests, swapped CDs, left comments, or paid him any sort of compliment or encouragement. As always, these peoples rock his socks and it's all their fault that this stuff is still here to plague humanity.
After four years of absolute crap, William's Bloody Hell continues to get bigger and remains in the top 10 search results on Google for either "william the bloody" or "williams bloody hell". However William the Bloody will not be satisfied until the site is so massively large that it consumes the entirety of the interwebs.
William (the man of tomorrow!)
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