Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: DJ Irene "Tetris Revenge" ::
Don't buy The Sims 3!! This is your warning.
You may be wondering why I feel the urge, nay the NEED, to warn you about a video game. Let me fill you in on the fact that EA Games has successfully manufactured The Devil. The Sims 3 will skillfully and silently, like a thief in the night, steal your very soul.
It's not that I don't like The Sims. Oh, no. Far from it. And that is part of the problem. I started playing waaaay back on the original The Sims, ages ago. Then, The Sims 2 came out and I couldn't wait to play it. And I did. Or tried to. See, I had an old-ish computer which took about eight minutes to fully boot up and all that jazz. The Sims, was just too sophisticated for my old PC to operate properly, so I did what any sane and rational person would do. I BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER SPECIFICALLY SO THAT I COULD PLAY THE SIMS 2. Yep, the logical solution. Anyway, that is when I bought the computer I'm using right now, when The Sims 2 came out. Now I have the Sims 3, and well, it isn't running quite as smoothly as it could... and holy crap am I seriously considering spending a thousand dollars on a new computer just so I can play the latest version of The Sims AGAIN!? Do you see how wicked they are??
That is only the tip of the virtual iceberg. The main problem is that you can build these Sim people... like really build people with custom personalities and modify even the slightest of facial characteristics and give them lifelong dreams and all that... and then build their cool little house and get them nice jobs that they'll like and make sure they're having fun and meeting goals and HOLY CRAP WHEN DID THE SUN COME UP?? It can't be possible that I have been sitting on my butt in front of my computer for eight hours is it? My god those brilliant bastards... all the clocks are in "Sim time" and there's no way to minimize the screen so that I can see what the actual time is!
Do you see how evil they are? They come up with a game that they KNOW is about the funnest thing ever, charge fifty bucks for it, then make you have to upgrade your computer for the best playing experience and then they have completely bankrupted and subjugated all of mankind by turning them into mindless Sim playing ghouls who are so focused on meeting the needs of their Sims that they completely forsake their own like food, bladder sleep and coming up for goddamn air every once in a while.
And even when you do decide to get up and stretch your legs and do other things (like, I don't know, decide not to skip work to play The Sims 3 and actually do your job), you're probably still thinking about playing the game! Truly addictive games can have this effect. It is commonly referred to in the medical community as "Tetris Syndrome" because after playing hours and hours of Tetris you're still stacking bricks in you sleep! You carry on thinking about the "lives" and "futures" of your Sims even after you've managed to tear yourself away from the computer screen! In fact, everything else you're doing you can't wait to be over so that you can play The Sims 3 again! Even right now, as I right this, I'm thinking about my little Sim housemates and gosh darn it why am I writing this when I could be playing The Sims 3??
So, you see, you should NOT buy The Sims 3. If you do then you'll spend lots of money and do almost literally nothing else for, oh, the rest of your natural life! Unless of course, you're okay with that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go play The Sims 3 before I get the shakes.
William the Bloody (greening up)
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