Our founder, Sir Bloody William Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William. He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This image was rumoured to have been commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!

Pointer   February 2011 SOTM

Pointer   Found a CD? Click here!

Pointer, small  Pointer, small   Home :: Contact :: Art :: Reviews :: Rants :: Misc. :: Fine Print :: Links
Rants >> Rant 3

:: Today's soundtrack: Rob Zombie "Dragula" ::


I have come to the realization that there are few moments in cinematic history which are as satisfying as the moment in Texas Chainsaw Massacre when that really annoying, slightly retarded-seeming guy in overalls and wheelchair bound, gets the full-frontal chainsaw. Even though this flick is from the 70's, and there was no gory blood-splatter to accompany his much anticipated demise, it is still a moment where ever time I see it, I raise my glass and give a howling cheer.

This thought leads me to think on how there aren't nearly enough annoying guy in wheelchair deaths out there in our slasher cinema. I mean sure, there's that guy in one of the Friday the 13th films (is it 2 or 3?) who gets the meat cleaver in the face and rolls pathetically backwards down a flight or 2 of stairs. That's all well and good, but come on, I'm looking for something really satisfying.

Slasher movie idea: A van/VW bus full of attractive teens/twenty-somethings is driving down the desert highway. They are all stoned/drunk and the only uggo, the slightly slow guy in a wheelchair, notices an abandoned looking carnival approaching on the horizon. Everyone agrees that an abandoned carnival in the middle of the desert would be a good place to stop, rest, steal/vandalize stuff, and get it on (left over snacks and rusty rides! Woooo!), except for one hot blond who thinks its kinda creepy and maybe not such a good idea, but she is quickly overruled. They all file out of the van and head towards their impending doom. The not-as-stoned hot blond decides to tag along deciding it would be better to go with than be left alone and helpless in a tube top, and pushes the slow guy in the wheelchair. Soon, couples pair off and go on their own in search of kinky carnival fun.

A couple, deciding for some sexcapades, run off to the mirror maze, where the guy taunts his girl, who is mildly frightened, by separating from her in the maze and making eerie noises and catcalls, all the while she's calling , "Shut up, Gary!" and "Gary that's not funny, now quit it!". She is surprised by a cloaked figure's image in the mirrors a few times, but is resolved to the fact that that is Gary continuing to be "not funny," and tries to find a path to it. When she does make it to the figure she starts to seductively unbutton her top, thinking its Gary, but of course it isn't Gary, and the cloaked figure (who looks like a cross between one of the Bringers on Buffy and a Scrier from the Spider-man comics, by the way) pulls out a fantasy dagger and promptly gores her to death. Gary, now confused that he no longer hears his girl asking him to shut up, stumbles upon the multiple-mirrored image of his girl being done in by a cloaked figure, and proceeds to make a bigger ass of himself clumsily running the other way and into another cloaked figure. A shot if the same fantasy dagger, a quit stab to the gut, a poor surprised look on Gary's face, and cut to next scene.

The hot blond is still pushing around Uggo McStoopid who has found some icky cotton candy and is happy as a clam. He spots a House of Scares type place, and moans until the blonde agrees to go in with him.

Cut to, another couple wandering around. They have come to the Ferris wheel, and the guy thinks it'd be great if they could get it going and see the whole park and of course make out. While he is preoccupied with this, the girls wanders a bit all the while loudly proclaiming "this is bo-o-o-oring!". She meanders around a corner a short while away which is the Gaming Gallery (you know, the rigged carney games you blow 50 bucks trying to win a teddy for your date), and while not looking where she is going bumps into some one who is not dressed in a black cloak, but not one of her friends either.

Cut back to blondie and captain wheelie, who have found out that the House of Scares still operates though its own generator. They enter, and it's all cheesy walk through fun; Tape recorded screams and cackles, strobe lights, poorly animated wax dummies of old Universal Monsters all lining various rooms and hallways. One hall is that one that is a tube and lights up and as you walk through it rotates slightly.

Back to Ferris wheel couple. The girl has bumped into a clown. A straight out your nightmares clown. He's dressed in a black and white puffy clown suit, and his face is painted in black and white make up. It may LOOK at first as though he is wearing a mask, as his face seems to be permanently contorted into an EERILY cheery smile. The girl, too stoned to be frightened by the clown is instead apologetic, thinking they've just been caught breaking into someone's property. She sniffs nervously, as people on coke often do, and says don't worry they'll leave straight away, and please don't call police. The clown's face, up til now completely unmoving, not even blinking, contorts evily and he says "Staaaaaay!", revealing horrid yellow teeth with abnormal canines, and is quickly flanked by 2 cloaked figures. The girl is promptly dispatched. The guy now wondering where his date is, calls out for her. Not receiving a response, he turns around a looks up. He sees the clown standing motionless, unresponding, at the corner where the girl turned onto Game Gallery, and calls to him. The clown doesn't respond so the guy gets irritated and approaches him menacingly with a wrench.

Back to the House of Scares. The 2 have been through the rotating hall, and are now in a blank, narrow, stainless steel long hall with a doorway at the other end. they think it is now more cheesy-creepy fun when the room starts to tilt so that the doorway on the other end is at the bottom if the tilt, and your destination if you start sliding. That's right it's all goofy fun, that is until the sound of power tool blades spinning starts coming from the base of the slide. By now its too late. The room is too sloped to make it back out the way they came in. They both start to slide towards the spinning blades. The dope in the chair puts on his brakes, and stops rolling towards his doom. The hot blond is not so lucky and slides right into the blades with a blood splatter out into the stainless steel room.

Ferris wheel. The guy has approached the clown, and demands to know if he's seen his girl. The clown, back to his unmoving cheery smile, just stares. The guy raises his wrench to strike, but his arm is grabbed from behind by a cloaked figure. He is then stabbed in the back by the second cloaked figure.

House of Scares. The dummy in the wheelchair has begun the slow ascent to the safe exit in the stainless steel room. His tires give him just enough traction, but its hard work for someone as out of shape and ugly and dumb as he is.

The last couple are wandering around, having amassed a collection of stuffed animals and icky snacks. The girl wonders where their friends are, and the guy says "there off getting busy like we were, baby." She giggles. A cloaked figure passes in the foreground.

House of Scares. Wheelchair guy is nearly out to safety. His brow is sweaty. His chair is shaky. He's at the door! He slowly reaches one hand out to hold onto the doorway.

The last couple have found the booth where you use water rifles to fill up balloons, and have detached the rifles for a water fight (that's right, she's in a white top). In the confusion of the fight, one of them stumbles into the clown and gasps loudly.

House of Scares. Hotwheels is shakily grasping the doorway with 1 hand. He is preparing to grab with the other hand when 2 cloaked figures step into the doorway, one from each side. A quick shot of a confused/startled look on his face, then they draw their daggers. One chops off the hand holding his wheel, then the other chops off the hand grasping the doorway. He rolls backwards quickly with a pathetic man-scream as he tumbles into the spinning blades below, minced, his chair dashed and dented.

Well that's all I've decided on for now. I was just thinking about a great way to off someone in a wheelchair and soon I'm an amateur screenwriter. Wow. Maybe I ought to write these rants down beforehand? Naaaaaahhhhh...

Goodnight out there, whatever you are,

William