Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Orgy "Blue Monday" ::
I blame the food. That's the reason I don't eat as healthily as I ought to. I mean, I cook a pretty healthy dinner and my sandwiches aren't covered in gobs of mayonnaise or anything, but damn it, it's the snacks! There is no such thing as a delicious man made healthy snack food. All of the stuff that tastes good comes packed with calories and fats and sodiums and various other great tasting but bad for you ingredients. I've tried switching to lower fat or generally better for you versions of snacks I like such as Ritz crackers, but man you really can taste the difference. Ritz crackers, known for their delicious buttery and salty goodness, suddenly taste bland and stale in their healthier versions. I also tried those healthy snack bars. I've tried Boost Bars, South Beach bars and even Slim Fast bars hoping the nutrients and low bad stuff content would curb my appetite until dinner, but they curbed my hunger because they taste so damn awful. All of those healthy bars have the taste and texture of shredded phone books mixed with cardboard and dipped in peanut oil. If you have ever thought about trying some of these for yourself, the best advice I can give is to stay away from anything claiming to have berries in it. And they make them look and sound so damn delicious on the box, don't they, the lying bastards. Attractive names along the lines of "S'mores Swirl", "Very Berry", and "Peanut Butter Cluster" along with the glamour shots of the health bar make you think you're in for a nutritious and satisfying treat. Then you take that first bite and realize you paid about two dollars for a mouthful of sand and glue. Yes, they help you stay in shape and lose weight because you'd rather starve than eat these things! Fuck it, I'd rather spend under a dollar for a bag of ranch Doritos! Yeah they taste bloody awful AND they're expensive! More expensive than a Snickers bar! Great marketing strategy, there! Let's charge an inordinate amount of money for something smaller than a candy bar and doesn't taste anywhere near as good! Jerks.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy to snack on fruit and stuff too, it's just that you can't really stock up on apples without them going bad, unlike say, Poptarts. Also, if I just need to buy one or two things, I'd rather just go to the corner convenience store than to the supermarket (oh how I despise the crowded supermarket), and sadly there is no produce section there.
So, if anyone out there is interested in get rich quick scheme, have I got one for you! Invent a low-calorie, low-fat and all around good for you chocolate that tastes GOOD. If you can invent a chocolate that tastes like a Hershey's bar but has none of the diabetes inducing sugars or cottage cheese thigh producing fats, then by golly the people will beat a path to your door. I'd be willing to help finance such an operation for a good return on my investment! You know, in addition to finally being able to eat something good good for me claiming to have chocolate in it and actually taste like chocolate instead of ground up Nerf balls.
William the Bloody (now with half the sugar!)
