Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: She Wants Revenge "Tear You Apart" ::
Have you ever noticed how certain Hollywood films seem to be EVERYWHERE? That some of them are not only advertised out the yin-yang, but also have an accompanying merchandizing blitz that is impossible to avoid?
For starters, I find it unbelievably annoying and also presumptuous for studios and critics and whoever to proclaim something to be the "this year's biggest blockbuster" before it even goes to theaters! They were saying about the new King Kong WEEKS before it was released! EVERY Batman film of the old franchise was forced upon us at every turn and heralded as a huge deal, even when they started sucking (and in no small way, either, we're talking crime against humanity sucking here). It's almost like Hollywood can't admit they paid huge gobs of money for a bad movie, so they're brainwashing us all into spending our hard earned monies on their mistake.
Also, when did a film's release turn into a HUGE merchandizing bonanza? Forget pitching a film these days if you can't market collector's glasses at Burger King, sell posters, and have a line of toys! I think the thing that bothers me the most about this is with comic book based films. They release Spider-man and have a line of Spider-man MOVIE toys. Spider-man ALREADY HAS a huge toy line, thanks! But nooooooooo, now Peter Parker HAS to look like Toby Macguire! I'll you! I'll kill your whole family, you Hollywood money-grubbing, evil, fascist bastards!
Not only are "the next big blockbusters" merchandizing extravaganzas, but also some are released as EVENTS. I'm not talking about the movie premiere event, that's fine to get everyone together to watch the movie for the first time on the big screen. Sounds fun, even. No, what I mean is when the SHEER ANTICIPATION of the release for a film is created SO HUGE by the studio that they pretty much say "see WILL see this movie or else you will be jettisoned off the planet to live in a hermit colony on the moon." To be honest, most of the time I'd take that moon colony any day. Just look at, oh say VAN HELSING. This movie got not just hype, oh no, but a pre-released animated prequel to the movie and a deal to do a spin off regular television series.... all before the film was released and viewed by anyone. Van Helsing was GOING to be BIG, dammit, so matter whose soul they had to sell to Satan to do it. Just look what happened. Van Helsing sucked ass. MAJOR ass. No one liked it (well, maybe that ONE guy, but he likes everything) or wanted anything to do with it after they saw it. People started to deny their involvement with it. Van Helsing disappeared off the face of the earth. People are finally starting to forget that nightmare and move on. Now it is told as a campfire story to other movies as a warning.
So, here's my memo to all of you Hollywood big shots: How about spending LESS money on those Happy Meals toys and Wal-mart promos, and MORE on say, MAKING A GOOD MOVIE? Stop thinking about how many action figures and T-shirts you can sell and start worrying about how many TICKETS you'll sell! It USED to be about making a film but it has turned into some sort of lumbering mutant beast called the press junket. People have been going to movies for a hundred years and it didn't used to take massive, unavoidable marketing campaigns to get them to do so! GOOD movies don't NEED Lego playsets to get attention.... a good movie sells itself.
William (the man with the screaming)
