Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: A Perfect Circle "Judith" ::
Have you ever wondered about people and what the insides of their houses might look like? There's that house in your neighbourhood with all those crazy lawn ornaments out front, or maybe one painted pink for some gawdawful reason, and what the heck kind of messed up taste do they have going on inside their house if this is the crap they put out there for everyone to see? You know, like that? Maybe? Just me? One of the perks of my mystery job is that I actually do get to see inside people's houses and take a gander and what fucked up taste they have. What profession do I have? Um, let's just call it "door-to-door salesman" for the sake of this, shall we?
Something I'll never get is the people who "decorate" by having a collection. They don't go about colour schemes or furniture style, no it's all about displaying the collection, and then what they choose to collect is usually weird or creepy. Like collecting those pitiful Precious Moments figurines or something. Every horizontal surface is used for the purpose of Precious Moments display. And then we get the plates and hang them on the wall. Maybe an embroidered quilt for the couch. Pillows for the easy chair. Yes, it's annoying little tear drop eye children everywhere. And, oh, I have also seen some china doll collections. Now THOSE are creepy. People who get into china dolls will have bookcase after bookcase crammed with china dolls propped up in their stands. They just stand there, LOOKING at you with their blinky eyes, cold and cruel as anything and you just know they're all going to come to life one night and butcher us all. Thank the lord I don't have to sleep in that house.
Once, I was looking at a house to buy (so this was years ago) and the current owner still had all of their furniture in it and stuff, but they weren't home when the realtor took me around. There were nick-knacks and doilies all over the place and then out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. They had a three foot tall china doll just standing in the corner and it scared the bejebus out of me. I thought for a minute there actually was a little girl just standing there silently until I turned and looked at it full on. Why would somebody DO that? You know what goes well in a dining room? Frightening child sized dolls. And you wonder why no one will stay for dinner.
I find it interesting that people with obviously second hand sofa and chairs, thread bare rugs, and a Budweiser mirror in the living room will have the most expensive television you have ever seen. It doesn't matter that their house smells like cat urine, so long as they have that satellite and "the game" is always on! I have heard of using an item as a center piece to decorate around, and wow, they chose the television set! Classy.
Have you ever seen a house with a rooster themed kitchen? What's deal? This goes a little beyond a collection and creeps into your everyday life! Roosters stenciled onto the cabinet doors, rooster seat cushions in the breakfast nook, rooster flour, sugar and coffee tins, a roost toaster cozy, rooster oven mitts hanging up.... holy christ on a bicycle! Why is it always the kitchen? I don't think I've ever seen a rooster themed bathroom or den. I simply do not understand this choice. What do you think it looks "country" or something?
And speaking of "country," this is one decorating style I simply cannot tolerate. These people buy a new dresser, they paint it, and then they sand the paint down to make it look worn around the edges and beat up. If you wanted a beat up looking dresser, then why not buy one which has actually been beat up? I'll bet you it's probably cheaper! The "country" group also like to set around little wooden nick-knacks of angels or whatever (also with the paint sanded down) with some sort of cute phrase on them like "it's not dirt: it's angel dust!" Gag. This sort also like to set out odd pieces like spinning wheels or bird cages or bassinets or butter churns for decorating purposes though they hold no practical use in the home whatsoever other than taking up space. Why?? I could understand if there were some level of craftsmanship to a particular item, or if you made it, or if it was a family heirloom or something and not just some random piece bought at a New England roadside Antiques and Collectibles shop because it looked "authentic" or "rustic." You're not country because you do not live in the country on a farm, and no amount of sanded down paint is going to change that!
The people who decorate in a "Native American" style are equally annoying because they are never Native American, but instead a middle aged white woman. Nice "dream catcher" over there. I had no idea the natives used plastic blue beads when the made those. Ooooh swanky black velvet painting of a wolf howling at the moon! Lovely statue of Kokopelli on that side table! Why is it always Kokopelli? Is this the only Native American deity you know? There are quite a lot out there. Also Kokopelli is a southwestern god and we live in the northeast! Weren't there any northeastern gods you wanted to blaspheme and showcase in your living room? Please, give it a rest! It's just plain tacky, okay?
I can't believe some of the stuff I see in people's houses. Yes, I am aware of different styles and everyone likes different stuff, but some of that stuff simply blows my mind. There are different looks out there which I would never utilize in my own home, but have seen it done elsewhere very well. Some people though, I have no idea how they can think a room full of roosters is going to look good. I mean, really? It can be pretty hilarious to see in person though, I mean, when it's not creeping the hell out of me.
(And there's one house I'm dying to see the inside of but probably never will. It's a farm house looking place which has a giant cross on the front lawn with a spot light pointed at it. That has got to be good.)
William the Bloody (likes to think he has style & maybe class)
