Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Cure "Boys Don't Cry" ::
I'll bet many of you ladies out there wonder about men. You wonder how they can watch films like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Titanic or something and NOT cry. How about the end of Harold and Maude when Maude confesses she took all those pills and will die, and no amount of professions of love from Harold will save her, and you look over at a guy sitting near you, boyfriend or otherwise, and you wonder just what the Hell is the matter with this guy that he isn't moved by such a touching scene? I'm not referring to myself personally here, of course, as anyone who knows me will be quick to point out that I cry like a girl for such things. No, I'm speaking of the more common "manly" man who is of course too manly to cry for these films. I'm here to tell you today that these veritable portraits of machismo DO in fact cry during movies, it's just a different TYPE of movie.
See, women cry during movies for scenes of ultimate romance, but the manly man will cry for scenes of ultimate loyalty. That's right guys, head for the hills; the news is out! I will now elaborate on the movies GUARANTEED to bring the sturdiest of man to tears. That's right folks, even your dad will snivel during these fine examples of cinema:
Old Yeller. Yep. It's the classic "reduce a man to a pile of sobs" movie. This is of course the ultimate personification of undying loyalty, that of a boy and his dog. Old Yeller saved the young man's life only to wind up contracting rabies and having to be put down by the boy he once loved and now doesn't even recognize. No man can watch this film the whole way through without getting something in his eye. If he can, I'd seriously believe he is a sociopath.
Sparticus. A wonderful "manly" type film with all the "manly" elements: unjust slavery, war, freedom fighting, and hundreds of soldiers who would gladly take the place of their unwavering leader when the sentence of death to him alone is inescapable, as all the other revolting slaves would be spared if Sparticus could be identified. Yes, the fabled "I'm Sparticus!" scene, where every slave-turned-soldier proclaims to be Sparticus and therefore is crucified alongside him, evokes a weepy reaction even from the most stoic of men.
Rudy. What could be more for men that a football oriented movie? Based on a true story, Rudy wanted more than anything to play on the Notre Dame football team. He wasn't starting line material, but the coach let him on because he showed more hustle and enthusiasm than anyone who was. He helped the star players train and train and train and all he asked was to be able to wear the uniform once at a game so his father could see and be proud. The original coach was replaced, and the new one felt no obligation to hold to this promise. Before the last game of the championship, every other player on the team turned in their uniforms and refused to play if Rudy wasn't allowed to dress up with the rest of them like he deserved. This scene will cause stifled weepiness from any guy in the room.
You'll notice that not just loyalty alone is enough to bring
forth a sputtering of tears; there must also be some sort of huge sacrifice
involved, thusly making it an ultimate display of loyalty. Old Yeller and
Sparticus's army faced death and the players on the Notre Dame would forfeit the
championship game, all out of loyalty to another. Movies based on a true love
premise require quite a lot taken on faith like, they just met how can they know
this is true love? or why is it a big deal that he's marrying that girl instead
of her when they haven't even spoken in such a long time? Illogical and
unanswerable questions like these tend to make the usual male think "who
cares?", but when someone stands up boldly to something they believe in even
when the faced with terrible consequences, such as death, for doing so,
well that is something every man respects and understands. I hope this has
proved enlightening for you gals.
William (reduced to tears)
