Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Kings of Leon "Sex on Fire" ::
Okay, I've put it off as long as I can. I tried to hold out longer, believe you me, but it is simply bursting at the seams! I am speaking of course of the dangerous amount of hilarious SPAM which has accumulated lately. Be forewarned that this week focuses exclusively on the junk mail focused on my junk. Yes, dick jokes will abound, but not for the easily offended! Dare you proceed into talk of my dark nether regions?
Let's work our way up to the really naughty stuff slowly, shall we?
You're right, I am not nearly as ready for action as I ought to be. I need to get moving on installing that fireman's pole in my house so that I might leap into action at the first glimpse of the "William Signal" in the sky. Wait, how is Free Viagra going to help me with... oh.
Er... inches of what, exactly? It doesn't specify. Are we talking Subway sammiches here?
Now onto the more obvious:
Embarrassing events in the bedroom? Oh, you mean like that time I totally farted during foreplay? I did not live that down for months. Free Viagra will also help me avoid stuff like that, will it?
"Expressing my manhood"? What does that even mean? Does my manhood need to start writing poetry? Painting? Man, do I have an emo penis?
"The power in my pants", eh? This sounds like it involves wires and a generator, and to be honest, I'm not all that kinky.
Coz women go crazy for a guy who plays the tuba.
And finally, the expressly sexy!
Okay, you sir, are obvious unaware of what my sex life was like as a youth. It was all... car back seats and no one knowing what to do with their hands. Why I would want to relive that awkwardness is beyond me.
So, you've found someone willing to have sex with me then? Send 'em over!
Okay, I actually clicked on this one and I was very disappointed to find that the e-mail contained no information about the hot Latinas or how to get in touch with them. If anyone knows who these hot Latinas are, please let me know. I'll be waiting!
Well, finally, an e-mail that doesn't use innuendo, false promises, or sexy Latinas in their advertising. This one is right to the point and up front: "1 step easy boner medicine ordering." No guess work here. Thank you, daisyriley, I applaud your honesty.
I better call it quits here as I'm sure most of you feel like you need a boiling hot shower, after which you may still not feel clean. Unless of course you enjoy talking about my naughty places and the things my e-mail seem to think I ought to be doing with them. Then by all means, hang around and tell me all about it. I may or may not be wearing any underwear, as I hear this may help upsize the power in my pants.
William the Bloody (sexy!)
