Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Kate Bush "Experiment IV" ::
I've noticed an unsettling trend with the major Christian holidays of Christmas and Easter. It seems part of their main modern purpose (aside from divine worship o' course) is to bribe children into behaving themselves. For Christmas, parents threaten their children that if their not good, then they won't get any presents, and on Easter if they behave the Easter bunny will bring them chocolate. Very clever, parents. Bravo. However, going all the way from March/April to December is one heck of a long stint without any sort of behavioral bribery, don't you think? That's eight months without any way to guilt goodness out of your young ones! So, I'm going to now MAKE UP a holiday to bridge the gap. I'm going to base this LOOSELY on myth and just plain INVENT traditions here, just to show how easy it is.
Okay, so we're shooting for something in the middle so it's going to be in August. It's also going to be one of those day of the week holidays, like Easter is always on a Sunday, not on a set date. Just for fun, let's base this on Norse legend. Loosely.
Okay, don't forget to celebrate Balder's Day! The first Wednesday in August, is the day all children must show appreciation to their parents for their never ending protection and pending grief should they be lost! Balder was the son of Odin and Frigg, and after a prophetic dream depicted Balder's death, Frigg took an oath from everything in all the realms not to harm her son, thus children everywhere must show their gratitude to their parents for this protection by performing some sort of labor out of love on this day (think like on Mother's Day kids bring their mom breakfast in bed or something).
At the end of the day, the whole family must dress in their best clothes (red, traditionally), have a splendid feast, and then burn a small model ship in effigy of Balder's funeral pyre. The parents must solemnly tell their children how much they love them and how much they would cry if this were their funeral, and maybe if they loved and cried enough, they would be brought back to them from the dead. Now the parents must give thanks to their children that they are so obedient and not dead by way of a modest monetary gift (symbolizing all of Balder's treasures that were burned with him on the pyre).
So, why Wednesday? Because Wednesday is named after Odin, you silly, and he's one of the all-important parents in the story of Balder we're paying tribute to. Why red clothes? Because when Balder did die, he was dressed in red cloth before being laid on his funeral pyre. Why do the children have to perform a labor out of love on this day? Well, Balder did no such thing in the myths, but that's just the sort of twisting people do to get something traditional to serve their purpose, such as creating the necessity to be good before Christmas. In the myth both Odin and Frigg loved Balder very much and they were willing to out on great lengths for this, so modernly twisted speaking, now the parents want some sort of recognition for this hardship and love, whether it be mowing the lawn or cooking breakfast. If the children perform, at the end of the day they get paid pretty well for it.
So how's that sound? Seems like a pretty realistic sounding
holiday, eh? It's pretty easy to make this stuff up, you know. No wonder silly
card-holidays like Mother's Day and such caught on so quickly and so well. I
wonder how hard it would be for me to get Balder's Day to catch on? Go on, start
the rumors and sound superior to your friends for unearthing this old and near
forgotten traditional Norse holiday! *Snicker* it would be funny.
William (gets his kicks in the weirdest ways)
