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Rants >> Rant 147

:: Today's soundtrack: Belle & Sebastian "Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying" ::


Ah, the life of a reclusive hermit, that's for me. What with the wonders of the internet, I hardly have to leave my house at all anymore (with the exception of work, of course, but I'll find a way...). The dangers, horrors, and awkwardness of life beyond my front door, out there in the, you know, "world" strike both fear and weirdness in my heart. The fact that there are other people out there, that I might have to interact with them for one reason or another in an idea that can sometimes bring me to hyperventilation.

For example, when I have to buy something at the corner store. It's not necessarily the clerks that bother me so much as the other customers. I can't stand it when the person behind me in line has no respect for my personal space. I try to give the person in front of ME some breathing room, but more often than not, I'm not so lucky as to receive this courtesy. For some reason after I place my items for purchase on the counter for the clerk to ring up, the person behind me feels it's okay to begin setting their things down as well, even if there is only one square inch of available space, the counter isn't all that big to begin with, and it means having to stand within literally half a foot of me. Call me crazy, but I think that is too close. If I can hear you breathing, we have a problem. Can't you please wait at a normal distance until I am finished? I mean I could understand it if you were carrying something really heavy and you desperately needed to set it down, but I don't think those greeting cards and toothpaste were breaking your back.

And then again, sometimes it can be the clerks. I really don't like having to make certain kinds of small talk with people I don't know or will ever see again. Talking to strange people is hard enough for me so if it's more than, "nice weather out there, isn't it? The total of your sale comes to five dollars" I really don't know what to say to these people. Nothing about me not liking them or anything, I just don't have the words. Really. There was one time ages ago when I was first starting out on my own that I bought two house hold items: a kettle and a 13 by 9 pan. The lady at the register said, and I kid you not, "you going to make a pot of coffee and some brownies there, hon? Doesn't that sound great? Man, I could go for some of that." What the...? It just struck me as the oddest thing in the world to say to someone. On my drive home, I started to think about what she might have said had I bought a different combination of items. A book and a flower pot: "Going to read a book and plant some tulips? Sounds like a great afternoon to me!" A shovel and a pillow: "Going to dig a grave and follow up with a nap? Count me in on that!"

And then there's the most awkward of them all: running into people you know while at the store. I never know what to do or say in these situations. I feel simply awful about it, but it's true. I'm most comfortable with a smile and a wave from a distance, but a quick "hey how's it going? See you later" is good, too. Anything more than that enters a weird area for me. If they ask me what I'm doing today and I have fun plans like meeting up with other friends to see a movie, should I invite them along? Will they be insulted that I hadn't already done so? And what exactly IS the right amount of time to spend chatting with someone before getting on with your shopping again? Was I too quick and therefore rude? How long is too long that it starts to feel weird and creepy?

That's why the internet is so much better. No lines at checkout, no next person in line breathing down my neck, and best of all, no weirdness of small talk. Yes, I understand and appreciate that there are in fact other people out there, I mean how else would I have electricity and some FedEx guy has to bring me my online orders, right? I'm telling you though, one of these days someone's going to come looking for me and I'm going have changed into that freaky guy with the long, tangled beard who lives that cave on the mountain with all wires running into it, threatening the delivery people with pointed sticks if they don't just set the package with my comic books down and scram.

William (recluse)