Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Depeche Mode "Strangelove" ::
So it must be pretty cool to be a film writer/director. I mean, if you're a geek, that has got to be the ideal profession.
Think about it! You get to write scripts specifically for the purpose of getting to meet your childhood idols. Well, I suppose that comes a little way into it. What you have to do, is make one indie film that really takes off. Soon, you can write parts for just about anybody, and they won't say "no." They'll look at it as being hip and trendy, starring in this independent film makers first budget flick.
And then, it seems that once you've had a few movies under your belt and a cult following, on your fourth or fifth movie in, you can start writing your sexual fantasies and get the actors you've had wet dreams about in the roles that give you the screaming thigh sweats. It's true. I've done the research. Fourth or fifth film of your cult status career gets you your fantasy babe or hunk in the part you've had in your dreams as shower nozzle masturbation material. Take a look at Kevin Smith, for example. He makes a little movie called Clerks. Then a slightly bigger movie, Mallrats. Then, a few films later, he gets four of the hottest young women in contemporary film to run around in skin tight, full body leather outfits with unflattering glasses for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Also, how about Quentin Tarentino? Let's not pretend that Kill Bill with its Uma Thurman in a Bruce Lee track suit wielding a katana and fighting an Asian girl in a Japanese schoolgirl outfit isn't something he's been dreaming about for the last 15 years.
So why not me? I've got a lovely part for Lucy Liu as a punk rocker in a schoolgirl outfit who plays bass guitar and in her off time steals rare antiquities with Jessica Alba and Eliza Dusku who dress as PVC wearing goths. But look out, they're being hunted down by federal agents Jennifer Connolly and Alyssa Milano, who are undercover as bikini models. And don't worry ladies I didn't forget about you. Orlando Bloom heads up the federal investigation from the bureau, who is seen from time to time taking calls from his agents at elegant formal wear parties, or even exiting the shower (maybe if I give you that you won't hate me...). Its a thrilling, cross-country cat and mouse game, involving intrigue, thievery, chase, and sex appeal! I think I'll call it: William's Erotic Fantasy Thriller. Why the hell not. At least it's an honest title and I'm not trying to hide it under a thin veil of artistry.
