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Rants >> Rant 150

:: Today's soundtrack: The Cure "A Sign From God" ::


Do you know what's great? When people create their own religion, try to amass followers and actually get some! Seriously, this has got to be one of the most entertaining uses of spare time I can think of, and brother, I used to have loads of spare time.

Yes, creating your own wacky religion is not just for Subgenii any more! Have I lost you? The Subgenii, or members of the Church of the Subgenius, follow the teachings of one J. R. "Bob" Dobbs in the world's first "for profit" religion. Anyone can become an ordained minister so long as they pay for it. The Church uses teachings of "Bob" to prepare them for X-day, their prophesized end of the world, as brought on by one pissed off Jesus. It's all in good fun, but not for the faint of heart, prudish (um, I'm not even going to get into what a prairie squid is. Forget it.), or those who take things too seriously, which is just smashing for a made up religion.

Or how about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? No, I did NOT just make that one up myself. Pretty much you take your average Holy Bible and anywhere it refers to "God", insert Flying Spaghetti Monster instead. In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the mountains, the trees and a midget. No lie. Of course the best part of this religion has got to be that the sermons have to be performed in the sacred attire of full pirate regalia, or else He will become angry. Have YOU been touched by his noodly appendage?

One of my current favourites is a proposal by cartoonist Tatsuya Ishida, where he suggests modifying the Holy Bible so that instead of Jesus you say "Dude" and instead of God you say "Voltron." Moses is heretofore known as "Beavis."

But then there's the most hilarious invented religion of all, Scientology. I mean, seriously people, what the hell? More of a self-help seminar than a religious experience if you ask me, but also if you ask me, I say people are free to believe whatever they like, even IF it all sounds like hippy bull plop. Also, I'm dying to know why they have a modified cross for their emblem. I have heard tales that Scientology looks positive on the outside and that it is only AFTER members have belonged for some time and believe Scientology only does good for their well-being, that they are suscepted to BRAINWASHING techniques and convinced of a story involving aliens, hydrogen bombs and ghosts to be true and the reason behind all negative feeling. THAT's the way to run a religion, folks!

I suppose if a Flying Spaghetti Monster can get several THOUSAND followers, it can't be all THAT hard to start up a religion! I imagine the magic and wonders of the internet would make all the easier to spread the word of some fantastical deity I just invented one night in a fit of insomnia. No, wait... idea... forming... Introducing, the World Church of Legos! I believe Lego blocks saved me and sent me on the path of righteousness. Were it not for the Lego, I would have been a heroin addicted heathen, passed out in some derelict alley in a pool of someone else's vomit, I am certain. Legos have shown me the way! They have taught me through creativity and courage that I CAN overcome obstacles and that compromise is key. Won't you join me in worship of the most perfect toy ever invented, the Lego?

William (Now I'm a believer)