Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Blondie "Call Me" ::
So, has anyone got one of those JesusPhones? Otherwise known as the iPhone? You know those iPhone "app" commercials (here's a YouTube LINK to one in case you don't)? They advertise all these practical things your iPhone can do if you're willing to pay roughly $1.99 per each in the iTunes store. Cool, purposeful things like weather reports and calorie calculators and things. I'm going to set aside the fact that the iPhone can browse the full internet unfettered and that you could PROBABLY find a website that can do each of these things FOR FREE if you're willing to look and bookmark it on your browser. Yes, setting that aside, while there are indeed many useful and practical applications available for the iPhone, this is NOT what the general population is downloading. No, they are downloading things like "The Moron Tester" (number one paid application in the Apple online store as of this writing) and Sonic the Hedgehog. Also, the number four paid application is a camera zoom function. Okay, if you're paying a couple hundred dollars for a phone with a camera in it... why doesn't the camera already zoom? Now, I'm a fellow who does not own a mobile phone, but I DO own a digital camera for which I paid LESS than most people shelled out for their iPhones, and my camera zooms. Granted the zoom application only costs 99 cents, so it probably doesn't bother most people to buy it, but if it costs so little, then why wasn't this function already included on the phone? That seems like a no-brainer. Maybe they're "saving" it for the next version of the phone. Oh and do you know what the number five FREE application downloaded from the Apple store is? The Suicide Girls "flip and strip"! Basically, it's like those old fashioned nude girl pens where right-side-up she has on clothes, but flip it over and she's nakers. This application gives you several Suicide Girls with clothes, but flip it over and they're nude (I'm guessing, although they say this thing is PG-13 so I'd say boobs but no bush, wink wink). Thanks for keeping it classy, iPhone!! In addition, the Entertainment and Lifestyles sections top ten applications ALSO have entries for scantily clad ladies (for $1.99 you too can have over 1,000 images of the world's hottest ladies!)! I had no idea the iPhone had so many applications for softcore porn! I bet we won't be seeing these applications in any of the iPhone advertisements any time soon. And speaking of which, if the majority of both the free and paid applications downloaded are in fact GAMES and not all these fancy assed supposedly useful applications like how to calculate a tip percentage at a restaurant and identifying bird species, then why don't they just come out and say so in the commercials? Why haven't they had an advertisement flaunting all of the fun games you can buy or even get for free? Oh, that's right games and pornography sell themselves and don't need commercials. Oh and out of all the applications I saw on the various top ten lists one of the most idiotic (again, not including the stuff you could probably dig up for free on a Google search) has got to be under Education the Toddler Flashcards. What you have here is your basic image-word association. You're supposed to teach your "baby or toddler" (from the actual item description) with a photo of a puppy and the word puppy along with it so that the child will learn to call a puppy a puppy. Well, the problem here is that you're supposed to be able to cue up this application and give your iPhone to your toddler (and this isn't even the biggest problem even considering that what most babies do with objects is shove them into their mouths) and they learn things.... except there is no audio for this application! What, is your one year old supposed to READ already?? Is this baby supposed to know how to pronounce p-u-p-p-y as "puppy" or even know what a "p" IS? What were they thinking?! You know what, Apple? You can try to dress up your iPhone and its fancy applications as practical and educational, but when it comes right down to it, people are going to use it the same way they use the internet: games and porn with the occasional search for something useful. I suppose they have the adverts for all the smart sounding stuff so that people can justify in their minds paying out the wazoo for a goshdarn phone. "Hey, look at all the smart, intellectual type crap you'll be able to do with one of these iPhones! Get one of these and people will think you're cool AND classy!" Just don't spread the word about the all the low cost semi-nude photos. And the fart button. Sorry about the jumbled-ness of this rant, but maybe there's an app for that.
William the Bloody (it's a freakin' phone!)
