Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Johnny Cash "Wanted Man" ::
Are you familiar with the old theory that if you're mad at someone, you should write them a letter and don't mail it? It's just a way to get all of your frustrations and feelings out and articulated without the irrevocable nature of a regrettable shouting match. Sometimes all someone needs to do is get it out of their system to feel better and not have an actual confrontation. I think I'm going to give this a try with a few entities who have angered me.
Dear Disney: Why don't you want my money? If you come out with the Gargoyles season 2 part 2 DVD set, myself and many others will buy it. Have you even heard of the Gathering conventions? That's right, Gargoyles, a cartoon which only had 2 seasons has such a loyal fanbase there are conventions. Why don't you want our money? Why? Don't you like money? If you don't like money, you are gay.
Dear Quentin Tarentino: You need to stop acting in your own movies. Let me rephrase that: you NEED to stop acting in your own movies. Do you know why you never "made it" as an actor? It is because you are terrible at it, and I'm sorry, but you are especially bad at delivering your own dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoy your films. I think you are a very talented writer and director. Your acting is just terrible, and when it's in your own movie, you inadvertently manage to pull us, the audience, out of the "illusion" of the film. You deliver your lines as though to break the fourth wall, like you think you are so bloody brilliant that you need to speak directly to us with a nod and a wink. Knock that shit off.
Dear Mickey Mouse: Are you supposed to be funny? Because you are not. Your cartoons are very unfunny and do not entertain in the least. As a humorous cartoon character, you pale in comparison to your compatriots Goofy and Donald Duck, yet you are the emblem of a multinational company. You. Is it any wonder I preferred the animated shorts of Warner Brothers when Disney's highest star was boring and uninspired? Maybe not everyone is cut out for physical comedy, but have you even tried being the straight man? I don't know how you got to be so big and supposedly popular, but it is undeserved and deep down, I think you know it.
Dear FOX: I shall never forgive you for your poor treatment of Firefly. How could you treat such a great little show like that? Do you have any idea what you missed out on? What we, the television viewing public, missed out on? Shame on you.
Dear Rob Zombie: Give me my eight bucks back. Also, invent a time machine so I can have those hours of my life which I wasted back.
Dear The Simpsons: I know you've been on the air since forever, so good for you, but Tree House of Horror 2008 was simply awful (with the possible exception of the racist Great Pumpkin joke). I look forward to your Halloween specials with great anticipation every year and this one was a tragic let down. Usually your Halloween episodes are the crown jewel of the season, so what gives? I demand an apology.
Dear Christianity: When will you get the fuck out of my government? Seriously, get out. I want you out of my pledge of allegiance and off of my money, pronto. We are not a theocracy, no matter how much you wish it were so. Get it through your thick head already!
Dear George W. Bush: What you did was simply a disgrace. You know to what I am referring. Yes, you do. I will never understand how you manage to sleep at night. Good riddance.
Dear Life Cereal: Who the hell do you think you are? Both delicious AND a part of my balanced breakfast? Where do you get off?
Love and kisses,
William the Bloody (disgruntled)
