Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Cure "Play for Today" ::
There are quite a few "dream jobs" out there. Not low on the list is of course "supreme ruler of the world" along with Playboy photographer and rock 'n' roll star. However, recently, I've been considering life as a Cult Leader. If David Coresh, Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler can do it, why can't I?
I guess my main quest while in pursuit of this lifestyle would be, how do I get that ultra magnetic personality that would get people to carry out my will unquestioningly and cut off the heads of my enemies? I would probably need to start small. Like as a bagger or greeter at Wal-Mart. As I smile and greet people and help them carry their purchases out to their cars, I not only cheer them up, but start on the way to getting them to like me. As a strong customer response and constant props for a job well done get me promoted to work the floor, the folks I helped to the car recognize me and open up to me even more as I assist them with getting merchandise off high shelves or locating an item in the store. Their dependence on me grows. Soon, I am the employee every customer requests for assistance. And even though I'm being pulled at both ends to do it all, I still finish everything asked of me with a broad, hypnotic smile.
As my regular contact with my dependent customers increased, so would my knowledge of their lives, since so many people do like to prattle on about things your average department store worker could careless about. Now armed with personal information, my ability to sneak into their decision making and thought processes begins.
With my personal attention and diligence ever increasing, more and more customers start to realize that the other employees are lacking and that I am superior. Frequently they are heard to remark, "you know, the only reason I keep coming here is because of you." Now starts the next phase.
Slowly, I put it into their minds that yes, these other workers don't seem to know the meaning of the word and it would be great if I had enough money to open my own store. With this thought in mind, my steadily brain washed clientele go home to check on their funds. They come back to me with the reply, you know I would fund you if I could, but I just don't have enough money to put up. That's when I point out that I know a few people who have said the same thing and if we all pool our money, why I'm sure we could do it.
At the first investors' meeting, is when I start the master plan. This is the time to tell all my reliable customers that it is not just lazy workers that is the problem, it is society in general. Why, it's all going down the drain, what with the videogames and movies that are available for out children to watch. Our Children!! We must pool our efforts and funds yes, but not for a newer, better shopping facility, but for a newer, better world!! Oh I'm sure a small portion would walk out at that point, but I'll have more than enough to really go to town.
We'd build a bunker in the remote countryside and stockpile non-perishable foods and weapons. Every day, we'd engage in vigorous exercise and weapons training, followed by a bland, brain-numbing meal and their dose of free-will removal with constant speeches by me on the evils of the outsiders and how we mustn't sully ourselves by viewing mass media of any sort. After about eight months of this, I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before they start referring to me as the Prophet or something equally silly, yet respectful. This when I know I'm greenlit to start my own harem from out of my followers.
And, a year or so later, as I'm being dragged out of my compound by the FBI, and they discover my private harem of 18 to 25 year olds, that's when I look straight into the television cameras and say "I had a good run."
