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Rants >> Rant 124

:: Today's soundtrack: The Clash "Rock the Casbah" ::


I've seen them on several websites, the "list of movie clichés." Yes, they're out there, and they make me laugh at the truth of it all, but when I'm done with a list, I realize that I know so many more. This is my mini-list to expand on the other lists out there and contains all those other clichés that I have yet to see on anyone else's list. Ladies and gentlemen, I dare you to defy the awesomeness of this, my Mini Movie Monotony Manifest!

The FBI will always cut the power.

All geeks/nerdy types will either wear glasses, have allergies or some other chronic condition, like asthma.

Electricity isn't really all that harmful even in ridiculously large doses (re: a fence charged to the magnitude to be able to keep a full grown dinosaur at bay), unless inflicted on a villain.

When a phone starts to ring, it is usually on screen and the character comes to it, rather than following the character to the phone.

All power plants, factories, and construction sites are readily accessibly, with minimal security.

All men going to work carry brief cases.

If a police officer is days away from an important life event (re: retirement, son graduating university, wife pregnant), he will be shot.

All FBI agents wear sunglasses and earpieces.

It only rains when important to the plot or to express what a character is feeling internally.

All museum artifacts and exhibits can be stolen if the thief is lowered from the ceiling.

If the heroes try to resuscitate someone via CPR, they never come around when being given breaths, only during chest compressions. The victim will only rouse after the hero becomes frustrated and starts pounding viciously on the victim's chest, and for some reason, CPR is only administered to drowning victims and no one else.

People dressed all in black are either mysterious or evil.

Before an explosion, someone will yell, "everybody, get down!"

All Christmas comedies have decoration mishaps.

If there is a car chase, a fruit stand will be tipped over.

If someone is coming home from the supermarket, they will have French bread loaves poking out of their paper grocery sack. If they drop their groceries, they will always have unwrapped produce (apples, oranges) roll out.

The traps in ancient ruins will always still function and the poison on the darts will still be potent even if they have been there for a thousand years.

A male secret agent will have sex with a woman because he's charming, but a female agent will have sex with a man to get something.

If a group of people get trapped in a confined space (re: submarine, spaceship, etc), one of the men will go crazy, possibly homicidal.

Ninety percent of horror movies that involve youths being murdered one by one will have a female survive until the end, possibly even killing the murderer.

If there is a rag tag group of misfit children, it will be mostly comprised of young Caucasian males, one of whom will be fat or have a handicap of some sort, and the group will be rounded out by a sassy girl and one or two members of another ethnicity.

Action sequences that take place in areas with pedestrians will sixty-five percent of the time have a woman bystander yell "my baby!" or similar.

Fight scenes that take place on or around motor boats will have someone threatened by a propeller.

If the FBI or a special task force need to bring in an outside expert, they will belittle him, but he will invariably wind up saving the day.

All timed explosives will be deactivated with no more than 2 seconds left on the count down.

Well, this turned out fairly long, didn't it? Oh sure, there are loads more, but like I said, I'm trying to make this a list of the ones not used on anyone else's list. Be sure to keep these in mind for your next movie viewing to see if I'm spot on or way off. Feel free to let me know either way in the comment box, or even leave some of your own!

William (movie man-whore)