Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Ramones "The KKK Took My Baby Away" ::
So I've realized that Girl Scouts are evil. I haven't decided on what brand of evil they are exactly, just that they are. I mean, they could be cultists, sadists or even The Devil Incarnate, but I'm just not sure yet. For now I'm just settling on generally evil.
For those of you who don't know about Girl Scouts, I'll brief you. The Girl Scouts is an organization for young girls to attend, where under the tutelage of an adult, the "scoutmaster," they learn basic social skills, do community projects, help old ladies cross the street, etc, etc. Basically, it's all about starting up that feeling of "girl power" and all that. Or so it would seem....!
Now on to my declaration of sadism. You see, a few times a year the Girl Scouts do fundraising. Of course they do. Every organization does. To this end, the Girl Scouts mainly sell cookies. These cookies are great. They're delicious, in fact. I love them. I'd maim a man for a box of their chocolate and peanut butter "Tag-A-Long" cookies. That's just it. These cookies are special "Girl Scout Brand" cookies. You can't walk in to any store any time you want and buy these cookies. Oh no. You need to find yourself a Girl Scout and hope that there's a fund raiser going on or else no cookies for you. These things are so bloody tasty that I'd gladly pay whatever price for them, but they hardly put any in a box, and if I haven't stocked up, I could be left high and dry for a year.
They do this on purpose, I think. They invent these extra delicious cookies and then only dole them out only once a year. By the time the next fund raiser rolls around, I've got the shakes, I'm not sleeping well, and an overall wreck. Well, now they're not satisfied having me under cruel thumb with the cookies, so they've moved on to "Girl Scout Brand" candy as well. A Scout approached me looking to sell, and here I was hoping to get cookies, but, alas, she was moving candy. I felt bad not to buy anything, so I bought one box. Big mistake. The candy was delectable. There were only twelve pieces in the whole box. They were eaten within days.
So, now, unshaven and pacing, I wait. And wait. And hope that my doorbell will soon be rung by a sprightly young Satanist so I can purchase my next fix and she can consume my immortal soul.
