Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Bow Wow Wow "I Want Candy" ::
October already, eh? You all know what that makes me think of, right? Halloween! You know what Halloween makes me think of right now? Candy!!
When I was but a wee lad, I enjoyed the trick-or-treating. Who didn't? It was fun to get dressed up in a scary costume and wander around town with a flashlight and collect free candy from people. And, oh, the anticipation as I dumped out my hard-earned booty on the floor to look it all over! However, something that has always bothered me (still to this day) about the candy, were the cheapskates. Anything made by Hershey's, Mars, Nestle. or Reese's were pure gold, and select non-chocolate items were good, like Twizzlers, Skittles and gummi worms, but then there was all of that OTHER stuff. The candies that were clearly manufactured in third world countries where the idea of quality candy was obviously quite foreign. The stuff you know whomever bought it only paid about a 25 cents for a whole bag. The offenders:
Smarties. Come on. Seriously. A little roll about two inches long holding about, what, twenty little chalkie candy disks which hardly had any flavour. What's worse, is that the people handing these out KNOW they're cheesey, but try to compensate with quantity. Bad news. I didn't want ONE, so why would I want FOUR?
Sugar Daddies. What WERE these, exactly? Toffee and molasses combined and put on a stick in the guise of a lollipop. Not only did these taste nasty, but they tried to yank out your fillings/baby teeth in the process of chewing them. Beware!
Dots. I guess these are SUPPOSED to be gumdrops, but they are the red-headed and somewhat retarded cousins of gum drops. Another culprit attempting to pull out fillings and tasted more like artificially flavoured molten plastic.
Mallow Cups. Pure evil in yellow wrappings. It sure LOOKS like a delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, but brother, it ain't! Take out the yummy peanut butter and instead replace it will marshmallow goo. Whomever decided THIS blasphemy was a good idea ought to be tried before a world court.
Tootsie Rolls and Pops. These are just disgusting. It's supposed to be chocolate, but if it is, it's some sort of chemically engineered type made to withstand a nuclear holocaust. The pops were doubly horrid because they try to sneak the malicious "chocolate" on you by sticking it in the middle of a lollipop for no reason other than to be mean and ruin a perfectly good lolly. How many licks does it take to get to the center? Who cares, because I threw mine out before I even got close, lest the solidified mutant chocolate should touch my tongue and give me the jibblies.
Marshmallow Peeps. First off, Peeps should not have been allowed to expand beyond Easter. We didn't want to eat them THEN, so what makes you think we'd eat them now, repackaged and reformed as Halloween candies? Regular marshmallows I can handle, but the peeps....! They're not so much a marshmallow as a reformatted marshmallow fluff, which is totally different consistency, and THEN they roll it into this crunchy sugar coating. Call me crazy, but I think pure marshmallow sugar is the LAST thing you need to ADD sugar onto. The overall texture and flavour of the Peep is so nasty, I bet they use it to interrogate war prisoners.
That's all I can remember right now. No doubt I've suppressed
the rest out of trauma. But please, people, keep this list in mind when doing
YOUR Halloween candy shopping! There's a REASON that that bag is only fifty
cents and it's because even the test animals wouldn't eat it! I remember what it
was like to get that nasty stuff and therefore am always considerate in my candy
hand outs. That's right kiddies, come on up to my place if you want the GOOD
stuff! That is, if you're not scared of my freaky decorations or the rumours of
the knife wielding maniac hiding out here looking to eviscerate hippies...
William (the candy man can)
