Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: David Bowie "Rock & Roll Suicide" ::
Don't even ask what sparked this Let's just recall my incredibly odd sense of humour and leave it at that. Oh, and a little disclaimer going in to save me "concerned letters" and what not: the following is all in fun and in no way serious. In fact, it is done to poke fun. So just enjoy.
To whom it may concern:
If you are reading this, then I am most likely dead. Hopefully, not too long after after this fact because then I'm probably stinking up the joint something fierce. I've decided to forego any sort of grand gesture such as belly flopping in front of a lorry or leaping off a rooftop and just get it over with buy shooting myself in the face. This way, there is very little room for error and the deed is done. Therefore, I strongly urge whomever you are, NOT to let curiosity get the better of you and investigate further. Just call the proper authorities and let them deal with it. It's probably pretty messy.
And speaking of messy, feel free to help yourself to anything leftover in the 'fridge. It was pretty full last time I checked. I mean, I thought about throwing the stuff away seeing as to how I won't be around to eat it and all, but I can never get myself to throw away perfectly good food. The stuff in the green Gladware containers is some leftover Chinese food from that place on the other side of town, You know the one. Not the one with the buffet; the other one. It's chicken fried rice with NO sprouts in it. I hate sprouts and they always do a good job of taking them out for me. It was pretty good. Not too greasy. So go on and enjoy some of that while waiting for the authorities to arrive. There should be some Diet Coke in there, too, hopefully not too flat, but again that all depends on how long I've been lying here, doesn't it?
If it's not too much trouble, could you check on my one plant? I mean, thank goodness I didn't have any live pets, am I right? I don't know if I could have given them away, and then they'd be all hungry and nibbling at the remainders of my face right about now. But, no pets, just a plant. I don't know why I'm so worried about a plant, but I guess I like it because it's the only plant I've managed to NOT KILL while out on my own. Heck, I've somehow managed to kill a cactus. How does one kill a cactus? I managed it.
You know, why don't you offer the rescue workers some leftovers as well? I mean there are a lot, and again, I'd hate it all to go to waste.
Oh, and see to it that my subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly and Newsweek are cancelled.
Please be sure to give my love to everyone on the attached sheet of paper (their home phone numbers are in red, work numbers, blue). Have my "arrangements" done by the establishment whose business card is also attached. Make sure I'm cremated according to Jedi ritual. Thanks so much for all your help and understanding, and believe me I am sorry it had to come to this.
Sincerely,
