Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Gravity Kills "Personal Jesus" ::
Once again, dear readers, it is time to delve into the murky unknown! I dare to revisit the most mysterious and terrifying place known to mankind! I speak of course of my e-mail spam folder! Come one, come all and gaze upon the horrors which I have found to dwell within! BEHOLD!!!
AH! Who knew that the answer to the United States' economic woes would be found in my spam? Yes, let's simply boycott the recession! Why didn't I think of that?? Why should there be a 700 million dollar federal bailout when there could be a boycott? Take that, Harvard economists!
Okay, I'll admit that before the candidates for the Vice Presidency had been announced, Saturday Night Live had been falling a little flat, but in debt? I had no idea Amy Poehler was running from creditors!
Woah, woah, woah. You're in MY house, pal! Don't go ordering me around!
Oh, now we're going to get snippy about it, are we? Yes, of course I can use a phone! Get the hell out of my house!
Okay, are you calling me a bum or talking about my bum? Either way, not cool.
Well, it looks as though instead of earning a degree through studying and hard work, I can simply buy one! I do think it might look suspicious when people notice "Bacheelor" is spelled incorrectly on my diploma, though. And "PhDD"? What's that second D for? I shudder to think!
Apparently Mr. Horace Cross went to the Mr. T school of negotiation, fool! Fantastic.
FINALLY a "blz0p" that works! Finding a working blz0p had been bothering me for ages! And a true blz0p at that! Not one of those Chinese knock-offs!
And yes, shield your eyes children, as we go further to explore the... naughty side of the dreaded spam!
Hm, yanno, $1.31 isn't that bad of a price...
Oh, hell, $1.30?? Sorry, Lakeshia, looks like Elanor's got the better deal! I'd be crazy not take her up on a bargain like this...
Well, it looks like I can actually pay for my Viagra with dinner! All I have to do is take some Viagra rep out to dinner and I get my pills! Even better! Unless... this dinner is like a date and I'm expected to put out or something... Look, can't a guy buy some Viagra without people assuming he's a whore?
Look, Luca, keep me out of your crazy Battlestar Galactica sex fantasies, okay?
Wait... what did you just say about my grandmother?? Come back here and say that!
Ooo! Do I get to choose which organ? Can it be my skin? No... idea forming... a GIANT BRAIN! Yes, a brain so massive I would need a glass dome to contain it! And there'd be lightning bolts shooting around inside it... very imposing to my enemies! Yes, one enlarged brain, please!
Er... how is one expected to "update" one's dick, exactly? Is this like how I update my computer antivirus protection over the internet? Do I get some sort of hot synching device to --ahem--- plug into?
Okay... there are so many things I could say... mind exploding.... I'll let you use your imagination with this one, kids.
Uh oh, looks like I've done enough. My spam is starting to have suicidal tendencies! Looks like I better cut this out before the spam actually shoots itself! But there it is... the dreaded contents of the spam folder! Now you need never look! Stay tuned for future installments of What Spam Lies Within!
William the Bloody (Spam research scientist for Nationial Geografic, PhDD)
