Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Man Or AstroMan? "Love Theme From MST3K" ::
It can be pretty fun to get a group of friends together and rent a movie. Set out some snacks and beverages, and just enjoy the movie magic.
Now, last week I discussed several ways for early detection of a bad movie. These were only a few of the most prevailing warning signs, so occasionally, a real stinker just might get through. So you're there, all of your friends are there, and you rented this festering excuse of cinema. How do you save the evening? Well, it's obvious isn't it? Start openly making fun of this flick for its badness and all will have a grand time.
But what if your not the on your toes type of witty? That's where I'm offering my help. Not to say that I always have something funny to say or even make my friends laugh ever. That's why this public service announcement is brought to you by me and my pals at the old TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Some of these are samples from their show which could easily have applications elsewhere, and some are by me as based on their style (so special thanks to Joel, Mike, Trace, Kevin, Frank, Bridget, Mary Jo, et al.).
First thing to remember before utilizing any of these is to know your audience. The following may contain references to other films, but you might not get the joke if you've never seen the film referenced. That being said:
If someone in the movie mentions the moon (ie, doesn't the moon look lovely tonight?) you should say, "That's not the moon! That's a battle station!"
If there is a character in the film with obvious facial deformity or downright Freddy Kreuger-esque good looks, you should point out "The dangers of bobbing for French fries" or "It's the incredible melting man!" (if you use the melting man line, a good follow up for the next time you see this character would be "the incredible melting man: he's incred-i-melt-able!"
If a character, particularly a woman, has an especially irritating, or grating voice comment "Man, I could shave with her voice."
Be sure to notice odd physical features of the actors and draw attention to them. If someone has a large head/face: "Look at the size of the head on that man!" or "you can see where he stores his acorns."
Greasy guys or guys with their hair slicked back, if ever walk off camera, "Are going to go strip and change their oil to winter weight."
If someone in the movie is delivering what is supposed to be an awe inspiring speech, then you say, "Did he just say, 'blessed are the cheese-makers?'"
If the film references an organization, particularly a secret one you should mention somehow "The People's Front of Judia" or "The Judian People's Front."
Of course, if there is ever text scrolling up the screen, that easily becomes the opening to any Star Wars film, either by singing the theme music or by reciting the "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
If there should be a famous actor in the stink-bomb of a movie, do a quick impression of that actor in one of his other movies (especially of this actor is Christopher Walken... anyone doing Walken impressions is funny: "These two mice. Fell into a bucket of cream...") Use this one briefly and with caution.
If there is a guy looking at his reflection in a mirror, you have to say "You talkin' to me?" (If that guy is grinning widely say, "Mad dog! Mad dog!")
If the score to this movie is notably guitar-heavy point out that "this is the danger to expanding rock videos to full length features," or sing a little bit from a metal song that might correspond to the guitar (good ones to keep in mind for this are "Barracuda" and "The Wall".)
Notice the appearance of the actors, and make up 2 celebrities or a celebrity and an animal who together could have spawned such looks. This is even more funny if the 2 celebrities you choose are of the same sex. (ie, "That guy looks like a cross between Eddie Van Halen and a silver back gorilla." or "If John Rhys Davies and Andre the Giant had a child!")
If there is ever anyone wearing a top hat you must sing "One, singular sensation!"
If there is an actor who is very muscular make up buff sounding names for him like "Strong Steelslab" or "Ron Drywall" or "Stone Irongrip". (this gets funnier if you make up new ones each time and be very creative.)
If the actor Miles O'Keefe is in the movie then you must at some point say "How much Keefe is in this movie? Why there's miles o' Keefe!"
If someone in the movie sticks out his tongue, or twitches his tongue a lot say "I'm your boyfriend now! (and make some slight slurpy noises)"
If there should be a submarine resurfacing, comment how they are going back up for more baking soda.
If the special effects aren't so special comment "Special effects by Mrs. Johnson's 4th grade class." or "Special effects by Billy, age 6."
If a helicopter/plane/bus/car/boat of some kind is blown up, especially in a not so special effect way, basically through the obvious use of models: "Man, that was a whole dollar fifty airplane!" or "that thing cost a whole 4 box tops!"
Okay, okay, stop me now. I could go on for quite a bit, but you get the idea. And I'm sure 5 minutes after I post this I'll think of one more deserving to have mentioned. But go forth grasshopper, and spread the laughter at the grade F movies. Go forth.
