Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Lewis Lee "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" ::
In the spirit of the traditional spooky film watching of the Halloween season, I started thinking about movies that have creatures which just plain aren't that scary.
The Blob: Okay, so it creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor and all that. Honestly, it's a glob of Smucker's raspberry preserves. So, it eats people. Big whoop. Maybe I find difficult to be frightened of something whose weakness turns out to be the cold. I mean, right now outside where I live it's about 35 degrees Fahrenheit, which is pretty darn cold, but us locals scoff at the out of towners who can't take it. "Whatsa matta, Blob? Cold enough for ya? Haw haw!"
Giant Creatures: Often times, film makers try to make a monster movie by just making something big. Too bad they're not too selective as to WHAT gets made gigantic. Night of the Lepus, for example, has giant bunny rabbits. That's right: cuddly bunnies. I don't care if it's the size of my house, a big bunny ain't gonna scare me. Most of time, these Giant creatures don't even DO anything either. They just wander around being big and people run. There isn't even massive destruction all the time! These large creatures seem to be awfully considerate in walking only down open roads, in the desert, or even under water.
Severed Intelligent Body Parts: It also happens that a creature film is made about a severed human body part, which somehow becomes intelligent, independently mobile, and, or course, murderous. Movies like the Crawling Hand or the Crawling Eye just make me think that if I were affronted by any crawling body part that it could be thwarted by whacking it with a fireplace poker. Not scary at all.
"Killer"... Something: You know, taking an ordinary animal or thing and inserting the word "killer" in front of it doesn't necessarily make it frightening. The Killer Shrews, for example. Okay, yes, the shrews were as big as dogs, but if you really wanted to sell me on the idea of them being "killer" you should really, really have some wanton killing going on, and not just scientific explanation of how a shrew's metabolism works.
So, I was thinking about making a creature film: The Giant Killer Foot. Not only is the foot "giant" it's also "killer"! That's GOT to be scary, right?
