Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Moby "James Bond Theme" ::
When I watch any given James Bond film, I realize nearly anyone off the street who has seen about 3 of these could write one. At least the opening gambit, at any rate, which often times has little to nothing to do with the rest of the film.
Black screen, white dots trail across from left to right. Looking through the barrel of a gun, we see our tuxedoed hero who turns and fires at the camera. The screen bleeds red, then turns black except for a white circle which sinks to the lower right hand corner. The circle turns from white to a partial shot, then expands to consume the screen in a full shot.
The scene: Paris during the daytime. Interior of a grand ballroom. There is an exclusive invitation only fashion show going on. The type where the wealthiest of the wealthy and sometimes royalty bring their wives and mistress to buy something chic. The function attracts so many people of importance that security is very high. Cameras and security men watch from every entrance, and a few men pace the perimeter. As the music thumps loudly, sleek models one after the other parade down the runway showcasing the next season's latest.
Our man Bond is seated in the front row observing the crowd, and his chief audience member of interest, the French Prime Minister and his twenty-something daughter, who are seated in the front row on the other side of the runway. Bond is wired for communications with a security team who are at an undisclosed location an undisclosed distance away. They have access to the pics streaming on the cameras and facial recognition technology among other things. along with the Brits in this base are some French officials overseeing them, who criticize the British for only wanting to send in one man on an important mission.
Some cigar/cigarette girls mingle with the crowd, as do refreshment waitresses. Bond eyes a particularly beautiful waitress swaggering the crowd but not offering anything to the guests. She gives a look to a security guard, glances at the Prime Minister, and the guard subtly nods. The girl makes her way to the Minister. Bond watches with a heightened sense of alert. She lowers her tray in front of the Minister and offers "Champagne, monsieur?"
Bond, speaking to no one seemingly, asks to check the cameras. Look for the waitress presenting a drink to the Minister and the security man at entrance 2. The girl, Desire D'Alure, has no suspicious record. The guard was recognized as Irish extremist Liam Connolly. As the Minister accepts his stemmed glass, Bond also notices one of the guards pacing the perimeter passes in front of Connolly, and receives something from him quickly. This guard passes the next guard at the next entrance and something is passed on. Bond realizes that several of the guards are up to something with Connolly, possibly all of them, and relays this info to his remote team. His team races to check all the guards, and barring some of them who are wearing dark glasses so huge it skews the recognition software results, the majority of them are known associates of Connolly's and have participated with various event of violence dotting the Irish isle.
The Minister ,who has accepted his glass, only now begins to raise it to his lips. Desire, the girl who gave it to him, smiled and then walked away, making a hasty line for the exit. As a model poses at the runway's end in front of him, Bond leaps for the runway, and skids across it under the model's legs and right for the Minister. the Minister, startled at this display, is momentarily stunned and Bond slaps the glass away.
Everyone pauses, gasping at Bond's improper behavior. Desire, breaks into a run for the door, and Connolly pulls out an automatic firearm and shoots at the ceiling. Everyone screams and ducks for cover as ceiling bits come raining down. All the security guards pull out similar weapons, as do some of the cigar girls. The reaction at the remote base is stunned, as the French officials tell the Brits I told you so.
One of the cigar girls with a weapon grabs the Minister's daughter roughly. Bond moves to respond, but the girl waves her automatic in his face and says "ah-ah-aaaah."
Connolly yells at the Minister that if he wants his daughter back he better pay 10 million francs and speak to his good friends in the Ireland government about putting him in charge. Then he puts on a gas mask, as do his associates, and the cigar girls start tossing gas canisters about.
Bond, equally prepared, dons a mini-mask, and goes to follow the baddies out the exit. Some of the men who haven't left yet, put up a small fight, having not seen Bond coming due to the gas. He pilfers one of their automatics, then heads out the door.
The band of baddies are headed for a couple of Hummers which just pulled up. The cigar girl still has a grip on the Minister's daughter as does Connolly. Bond removes a cufflink gives it a twist and throws it at the Hummer farthest from the daughter. A moment later it explodes. The bad guys turn, and just as they do Bond opens fire. Several miscellaneous men go down. Connolly, the cigar girl, and the Minister's daughter run for cover amongst the parked cars.
Bond makes for the surviving Hummer. He slaps the driver around like his name was Joe, and starts to drive, on the sidewalk, sending parked cars flipping and rolling and crushed in every direction. Connolly and the cigar girl realize this is no place to hide, and open fire on the Hummer. They get in a few good shots, and Bond leaps from the vehicle as it still moving full tilt straight for Connolly. The Hummer now on fire, hits a parked car just right, flips over several times, skids along and busts open a fire hydrant.
Bond just barely gets his bearings after his leap from the car and his attacked by the cigar girl. She had abandoned her automatic in the efforts to get out of the way of Bond plowing along on the sidewalk. She now comes at him with a stiletto. She's fighting angry and not very good, making some jabs but missing horribly, cursing as she does so. Bond says "I do hate to hit a lady", she calls him an "English dog" and then hits her but good across the face and says, "but clearly you are no lady."
Bond is now being fired upon and turns to see Connolly, who still has the daughter, shooting with his automatic. Bond is hit 3 times square in the chest and get knocked backwards onto the pavement, unmoving. Connolly yanks the girl over to Bonds body, makes her look at him lying there, as tells her "You see the fate of those who would stop me?"
Bond opens his eyes and kicks the gun out of his hands. He leaps up from the ground, and in one fluid movement punches Connolly in the gut with his left then in the face with his right and watches him collapse.
Police cars can be seen arriving in the distance. Bond, again seemingly speaking to no one, says that the package is safe and being returned to its owner. The Brit team erupts in hurrahs. The French officials with them reluctantly join in. Patrons and models start streaming wearily out of the showroom. The Prime Minister sees his daughter , jogs over to her and hugs her gratefully. During their hug, Bond lifts his shirt to reveal a heavy-duty vest, still intact. He pats it and lowers his shirt. The Prime Minister thanks Bond exuberantly and asks how can he ever repay him. The sleek fashion models start to gather around them smiling radiantly. Bond eyes the models and replies, "I may be able to think of something." The Minister laughs. The girls giggle gleefully.
Cut to the main titles with various sequences of shapely nude women silhouettes dancing amid flames and explosions.
