Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: The Flying Lizards "Money" ::
I've decided the best thing for me is to win the lottery. I feel so much better now that I have a game plan. Yep, win the lotto, what could be simpler?
Once I'm rich, I'll slap a "for sale" sign on this house and build me an honest to goodness castle. I suppose it would have to be in a warmer climate, otherwise my alligators might not survive in the moat over winter. See, I'm thinking practically here. The main entrance would be in a tower, and at the top of this tower would be a tippable cauldron filled with boiling hot liquids for scaring away Jehovah's Witnesses and Girl Scouts (AFTER I get my hands on their Tag-a-longs... mmmm... tag-a-longs...). I'd need to have a nice long hallway for showing off my suit of armor and battle axe collection, oh yes. And try not to let your jaws drop, but I'd need a church room, too. No, not for divine worship, but for watching movies! Think of it: rows of pews and at the head where the alter would be, a projection screen. How cool would that be?
I would have to have a couple of crazy theme rooms, too. I've always wanted a room that has everything on the ceiling for no reason. An MC Escher room with all those crazy-ass staircases going all over the place would be fun, too. A room made up to look like Pee-wee's playhouse would be extra freaky, wouldn't it? And of course, a room built specifically so I can reenact that scene from Goldfinger. "So, do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"
Let's not forget about my fleet of antique and exotic cars either. I'd shell out whatever I had to for one of the Tim Burton Batmobiles. Who wouldn't? It's the freaking Batmobile, people!
Oh yes, and a pet giraffe. I don't think anything says "hey I'm so rich you can't even believe it" like a pet giraffe. So that's a must. Maybe a couple of domesticated hippos, too.
Yes sir, I've got a plan now!
