Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
::Today's soundtrack: Boa "Duvet" ::
As I continue to lament my ongoing addiction to this, the infernal internet, I present this to you, the viewing public:
Is Someone You Love An Internet Addict? 20 Warning signs!
20. Have they ever created a LolCat?
19. Do they have both a LiveJournal AND a DeadJournal account?
18. Do they have any combination of 3 of the following: a DeviantArt, YouTube, E-bay, PayPal, MySpace, Facebook, IMDB, iTunes, Yahoo, MSN, 4Chan, Gaia, Flickr, or Amazon accounts?
17. Has their buying and/or selling on E-bay has somehow mutated from a weekend hobby to a daily obsession?
16. Is their first instinct for communication to either e-mail or instant message someone rather than call them on the telephone?
15. Is their first instinct for making purchases is to go through an online store rather than to go to an actual shop?
14. Do they communicate with at least three people fairly regularly and have never met them in real life and don't even know their real names?
13. Do they play World of Warcraft or Sims Online?
12. Do they relay events to you which occurred inside a chat room, forum, or RPG as though they actually happened?
11. Have they seen that Weezer video for "Pork and Beans" and totally get it? And I mean totally.
10. Have they actually said "pwned", "LOL", "OMG", or "WTF" out loud?
9. Do they know all of the words to "The Internet is for Porn", "Peanut Butter Jelly Time", "We Like the Moon", or "Just Put a Banana In Your Ear"?
8. Do they know how to do the Caramell Danse?
7. Have they ever participated in an online meme?
6. Do they own a webcam?
5. Have they been known to say things that seem to make no sense such as "shun the unbeliever" or "pew pew pew!" or "I'm in ur ___ stealin ur ____"?
4. Is one of their first responses to any number of inquiries "I'll check the internet"?
3. Does their life completely screech to a halt if access to the internet has been ceased?
2. Have they posted photos or video footage of themselves to the internet for their "friends" to see?
1. Have any of these "friends" actually sent them items off of their online wishlists or any other free "gifts" through the mail or visa versa?
If you have answered "yes" to more than half of these questions, then your loved one may in fact be an internet addict! You can clear up any lingering doubt by checking their pupils and rummaging through their sock drawer. While there is no "cure" for internet addiction at this time, we can recommend attempting to steer the inflicted towards a new interest such as black tar heroin (or any number of other addictions for which their does exist a treatment program). Until you manage to do this, just relay to them the struggling internet addict's prayer: Spaghetti Monster grant me the serenity to merely check my e-mail, the courage to stay away from YouTube, and the wisdom to know the internet is not my life. Ramen.
William the Bloody (concerned citizen)
