Salutations, traveler of The Internets! Welcome to William's Bloody Hell, so named after our founder, Sir Bloody William.
He is seen in the likeness above in a rare, 19th century woodcut. This
image was rumoured to have been
commissioned after a bout of unpleasantness
in the White Chapel district of London. Do enjoy your stay and peruse our many, varied offerings, much of which cannot be found elsewhere!
:: Today's soundtrack: Statler Brothers "Counting Flowers on the Wall" ::
Sometimes I wish I smoked. That's right, despite everything I've said before, I'm coming clean.
For starters, it would give me something to do with my hands when I'm feeling restless or fidgety. I can't help myself on occasion when I get this way I start tapping or tearing up bits of paper for no reason. So, instead of looking like an escaped metal patient, I could not only wave a cigarette around, but also the various smoking accoutrements. I'd have a Zippo I could flick open repeatedly and hear that cool metal open/closing sound. And of course, there's the pack of smokes I could roll around in my hands.
Also, this would give me something to do during conversations as well. I feel oh so awkward when talking to people, particularly ones I don't know or vague acquaintances, that even when I'm making an honest effort I tend to look glazed over (another escaped metal patient look, I'm sure). If I smoked, I could give on the air of listening, but also light up at the same, and take the occasional puff. This I way I could keep myself entertained to avoid the stir crazy glazed expression.
Then there's the added benefit of most restaurants et cetera not allowing smoking indoors. If I'm out with an uncomfortably large group of people, or in a crowded place I can excuse myself under the pretense of going for a smoke. Getting up to leave for a few minutes just to get air is often misconstrued as rude, but a smoker HAS to have his fix, so it is perfectly acceptable.
Don't take this as a sign like I'm about to start lighting up; I'm just finally confessing that there are some plus sides to smoking. Obviously, to me personally they are not enough to compensate for the bad ones, or else you'd better believe I'd take it up right here and now. I suppose what I need is something else to fulfill the above listed needs. Something that would keep me busy and focused during uncomfortable social situations as well as give me an excuse for a quick "out" should I need one. Any ideas?
William (watching Captain Kangaroo)
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